The Trick is To Keep Breathing
by McGee42
Summary: What if Edward kept his promise and never came back? A series of communiqués tell what happens next. AU, Canon-ish
1. Prologue: Temptation Waits

**AN:** **The title comes from a Garbage song and each chapter name will as well. Thank you, thank you, thank you Project Team Beta and my two betas poo235 and justaskalice. Y'all are fabulous. Characters are SMeyer's. Lyrics are SManson and Co.'s**

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**Prologue: Temptation Waits**

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You come on like a drug  
I just can't get enough  
I'm like an addict coming at you for a little more  
And there's so much at stake  
I can't afford to waste  
I never needed anybody like this before

I'll tell you something  
I am a demon  
Some say my biggest weakness  
I have my reasons  
Call it my defense  
Be careful what you're wishing

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My Beautiful Bella,

I don't know if you will ever find this, but I wanted you to have some small piece of me with you, whether you are ever aware of it or not. I'm too much of a coward to leave you entirely; hence this letter, the lullaby and the photographs hidden together underneath your bed. Part of me wishes that they are never discovered and the other part, God help me, really wants you to uncover them.

This letter is to explain why I am removing myself from your life as best and cleanly as I can. I hope that one day you will understand why I must do this and be able to forgive me.

On our walk today, I will lie to you, tell you a falsehood that is meant to protect you, but will undoubtedly cause you pain, and thus break my frozen, still heart. I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry, infinitely. I will be apologizing to you forever, which isn't nearly long enough.

That this final betrayal of mine will hurt you causes me more anguish than I ever thought possible. And still, I cannot take your life, your very soul, for my own selfish purposes, no matter how much you think you are willing for me to do so. Your existence is my raison d'être, and if you were to meet your end by my own hand then I fear that I would as well.

We cannot continue to hurtle along at the rate we are going, or else you will be underground or go mad like Ophelia and I do not want to be capable of that kind of destruction. Self-destruction, yes, I am more than capable of that, as my brothers would gladly tell you, but I could not bear it if you were caused irreparable harm by my own dark desires. Part of me fears that this is already a possibility, though Alice promises me that it is not so.

Unlikely as it is, you believe that I am not a soulless monster, but to stop your beautiful beating heart would be a monstrous act indeed. I cannot allow this to happen and the more time we spend together, the more intimate we become, I feel my greedy will beginning to dominate my slipping virtue. This is through no fault of your own, darling, please do not blame yourself, but it is solely my cursed weakness revealing itself. I am sorry that I was not strong enough to stay by your side, where I never belonged in the first place.

My heroine, my heroin, you have never seen yourself clearly; please allow me one final time to tell you how perfect you are. Bella, everything you do is exquisite; when you trip over the dust motes in the air or blush in embarrassment over your "human moments" or bite your lower lip in frustration. Whenever you would do that, I'd wish that I were a man again and could suck that lip into my mouth and salve it with my tongue, God help me.

If only that were a possibility, my love, I would give up everything I have to make that happen. And your scent, your delicious, tempting, totally unique fragrance. With every flip of your hair, I could breathe in great gulps of it, as many as my worthless lungs could hold. It made me want to do entirely unseemly things to you: things that no gentleman would ever do. That desire was almost my undoing, though, thankfully, never yours.

The happiest moments I have ever spent, will ever spend, were with you: in this very bedroom, in our meadow, and you may laugh- oh, I wish I could hear your ringing laugh one more time- even in my car. For once I am glad of my unnatural abilities so that those memories of you will never fade. They are now my most prized possessions. Your sweet scent will stay with me for eternity, and even though I cannot hold onto you or share your sweet, precious life, I will hold onto that.

It was always and only you, Bella, even before I knew of you and your blessed existence. Please know that there will never be, could never be, anyone else for me. When I'm not sure what I'm living for, I see a flash of your brown irises across my mind's eye and I am tied to this existence once more. What I wouldn't give to get lost in the depths of your eyes again.

For the last time, I love you, more than my own life. You may forget everything else but please, never forget that.

I am yours always,

Edward

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AN:** I included links to the songs in my profile if you're unfamiliar with them. Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 1: You Look So Fine

**AN: Muchas gracias to Project Team Beta and my super-betas: Maggie Cullen, cyber-sair, Lezlee and LouderThanSirens. Any errors are mine. Please let me know if you see any, so I can fix 'em. SMeyers' original ideas and characters, SManson & Co's lyrics. No copyright infringement intended.**

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**Chapter One: You Look So Fine **

Now and then  
One more time  
Hide inside me tonight  
Take what you wanted to  
Let's pretend happy end  
Let me know  
Let it show  
Ending with letting go  
Let's pretend happy end

Edward,

It's been a week since you've gone. When I sleep, I dream of you in the forest; inching your cool hand down my cheek, kissing me softly, and then turning from me and leaving. Again, and again, every damn time that I close my eyes. And every time I awake, I'm screaming and crying, unable to stop. It's too much to bear. I've been trying to stay awake, but that only works for so long before I drift away and relive that awful moment. I find myself wishing, yet again, that I was like you. This time, it's for an entirely different reason, though. If I didn't need sleep then I wouldn't dream. I find myself yearning for blackness, not darkness, just nothingness, sweet silence.

I spent the past seven days in bed, trying not to remember how it felt when you would lay there beside me, humming my lullaby, holding me in your strong arms, breathing your sweet breath into my hair. Your scent is entirely gone now. Maybe if I had your abilities I could still catch it, but in this weak, worthless human body, your smell has left me, just like you have. Part of me still expects to see you when I open my eyes, but I know in my heart that you'll never be here again. And I don't understand why. I know you said you wouldn't come back, but I find myself unable leave here, just in case you change your mind about me and realize that you need me like I need you. Everyday, I hope that you will return and that we'll see each other soon.

Charlie finally made me go to school this week. It was either that, or go to Florida to live with Renee and Phil. It took almost everything I had left to leave the cocoon of my sheets, shower, and get dressed. It all felt very strange; as if I wasn't living in my body anymore, just existing outside of it, and observing myself. School was a waste without you by my side. I couldn't concentrate on anything except the fact that you weren't there with me. I became so accustomed to seeing your honeyed eyes looking into mine with what I thought was love whenever I turned my head. Now there's nothing there but empty space. Outwardly, it's just like you wanted, as if you never existed, but the gaping hole in my chest proves otherwise. I almost wish I could feel something about that, but I've gone entirely numb. Maybe it's for the best. Life as a zombie would be easier, I think. At least there's no pain that way. Is being a zombie better than a vampire, Edward? You'll have to let me know.

Those few months we spent together were the best in my short life, and I thought that you felt the same. You told me as much and I was foolish enough to believe you. I curse my human frailties and my ability to cause myself injury seemingly at every step. Maybe if I hadn't cut myself on that damned wrapping paper, you and your family would still be here. It's so silly to grasp that something as simple as a paper cut could drive you away from me. Did you finally recognize how weak and imperfect I am compared to you? Was that careless accident the final nail in the proverbial coffin? I know how average and plain I am, I see it every time I look in a mirror, but I thought that it didn't matter to you. At least you said as much, now I see that wasn't true. Was it all a lie, Edward? Did you ever really love me? Or were those just pretty words you said so you could feel human again? Was every day we had together just a game for you? Was I a game?

You said you didn't love me anymore. I live with that excruciating knowledge every day. It's more damaging than any other injury I have suffered. Worse than every broken bone, twisted ankle, burn, and skinned knee, even more painful than James's attack and its aftermath. It is more agonizing than all of that combined. What hurts me the most, though, is that you don't even care. You could just turn around and leave me without a second thought. I always knew that we were a bad fit and yet you made me believe otherwise. You're the only one for me, Edward. There could never be anybody else. You've ruined me for anyone else, both figuratively and literally. I don't know how I can survive this, I don't know if I even want to.

Despite all this, Edward, I still love you. I always will. Please come back to me and love me again. Please.

Bella

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**AN: Links to the songs in my profile, if you don't know them. This track is particularly lovely. Thanks for reading.**


	3. Chapter 2: Dog New Tricks

**AN: Mille grazie to Project Team Beta and my two betas: LoveOfEscapism, TheHeartofLifeisGood. Y'all rock my socks and were super-duper helpful! Any errors are all mine. SMeyers' original ideas and characters, SManson & Co's lyrics. No copyright infringement intended. **

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**Chapter Two: Dog New Tricks**

Everyone I know has gone away  
Died or left or just forgot to stay  
Sometimes took for granted  
Sometimes turned away  
Sometimes didn't say what  
I meant to say

Dog new tricks  
Nothing you learn will stick  
Dog new tricks  
You make me feel so worthless

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Alice,

I miss you, so, so much. I hope that you and Jasper are all right and that you are with your family. Please tell Jasper that I'm not upset or angry with him and that I hope he is feeling better now. I know he never meant to hurt me and that what happened isn't his fault, truly. I blame myself for the accident and everything else that followed; no one else. I wish that I could tell him this in person and that I wasn't writing this letter instead. I wish that I could know if you receive this message or not. I wish that I knew if writing this isn't an exercise in futility. If wishes were horses. . . well, you both know the rest. I wish a lot of things were different now.

Although I miss you, I'm also really upset with you. You were supposed to be my best friend but you disappeared a few weeks ago without even saying good bye to me. At first, I was really sad, so weighed down with the heaviness of loss that I couldn't get out of bed without collapsing in a heap. Charlie took good care of me, bringing me tea and soup, taking me to the bathroom when I needed a "human moment". It reminded me of this past spring when my leg was in the cast and you helped me out. You were, as Charlie said, "a god send" then. I need you even more now and you're not here. Then, it was just my body that ached, but now, everything hurts, _every single damned thing._ Fucking breathing hurts. Every memory, every movement, every moment awake and every moment asleep is just another reminder that not only does my love want nothing to do with me but that my best friend feels the same way too.

Maybe this abandonment hurts more than it would ordinarily because you're gone as well. I wish that you were here to talk with me about it and what he said. You're the only one who I could ever be completely honest with about him. No one can know what really happened, who your family really is or what you all mean to me. So, instead, I'm locked inside my memories because I'm afraid I'll forget and I can't share them with anyone else. If I did, I'd be sent to an asylum, which is kind of ironic, when you think about it.

What really kills me is that you probably knew all of this was going to happen. You did, didn't you? You saw everything and never warned me. You saw when your brother left me in the forest and you didn't do a damned thing about it. Even though you knew how much something like that would hurt, and how I am feeling confused, unwanted and unloved. You saw me curled up in bed, wishing for death because then I wouldn't have to feel anything ever again and you never came. You are seeing me right now writing this letter, even. I thought that we were sisters, you told me as much, but now I know differently. If you were really my sister, I'd be with you and "our" family right now. Instead, I'm left behind because I'm not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, _immortal_ enough.

Your family deserting me is the worst thing that I have ever experienced. I can't imagine anything being more wretched because if that were possible I don't think I could survive. I'm barely holding on as it is now, merely existing. To be told that everything I thought I knew about love, friendship and family was just a diversion for you has destroyed me. What's worse is that the individuals that I would look to, to get me through this are the same ones who perpetrated my destruction. I can't see past all this pain and suffering. It surrounds me like a heavy blanket blocking out any other sensation. If I had a friend to talk with, maybe I could see a way through, but we both know that I don't have that option anymore. God damn it, Alice.

Why is it so easy for the people I love to leave me? Am I that horrible? That easy to trick and betray? That utterly wretched? I knew the whole time that you all were too good to be true and that it wouldn't last but to pull that rug out from under me so effortlessly… As if none of it meant anything to you. I'm trying really hard to not be angry but the more I think about what happened, the more difficult it is for me. Betrayed and abandoned, after all that you went through Alice, I thought that you would know better, or at least empathize. But I guess actions speak for themselves after all.

Be well.

Bella

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**AN: Again, song links on my profile. The chapter titles make more sense if you know the songs that they come from. Thanks for reading.**


	4. Chapter 3: No 1 Crush

**AN: Merci beaucoup to Project Team Beta and my betas solareclipses and ShowtunesJesus for whipping my writing into shape. Y'all are super-fab.** **Any errors are all mine. SMeyers' original ideas and characters, SManson & Co's lyrics. No copyright infringement intended. My words though, yo! No copying, cake sniffers.**

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Chapter Three: #1 Crush

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_I would die for you  
I would die for you  
I've been dying just to feel you by my side  
to know that you're mine  
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Edward,

The letters I sent to you and Alice were returned today. The post office said there was no forwarding address. Something as simple as a stamp on a returned letter was like another knife through my chest. God knows I have so many wounds already; what's a few more, really? Frankly, I'm surprised that my heart can still beat at all at this point. I know you said it would be like you never existed, but I didn't think you'd carry it out so thoroughly.

It's been four weeks since you left, and even though we spent months together, I'm starting to forget things. Small details, like the exact shade of your eyes after you'd gone hunting or how pleased with yourself you looked leaping into my window, are beginning to elude me. I'm clinging onto them as tightly as I can, but I'm not the one with a photographic memory. I'm afraid that one day I won't even remember how your cool lips felt against mine.

I long for you every minute of every hour of every day. It remains all that I think about, all that I have room to think about. If I start another train of thought, I fear that you'll be lost to me forever. You've already left me once; if my memories of you leave me too, I won't have anything else to live for. You said that I was your life, and the reverse is also true for me. Even though you're not here anymore, you are still my existence. If my last fragile link to you disappears, there will be nothing left of me.

Edward, you know that I am willing to give everything to you. You just never gave me the chance to do so. I still want to. I still dream of being wrapped in your strong arms, feeling safe and loved. That can still happen for us. You are my everything; please let me be yours. If you cared for me at all, you'd come back to me. What you said in the clearing crushed me. I'm holding out hope, no matter how desperate, that you didn't mean it, that you couldn't be that good of an actor, but I'm losing faith. Maybe I'm just seeing things how I wish they were instead of how they really are. Make me remember correctly. Love me.

Please, please, please come back to me. I told myself that I could wait forever for you, but it's too hard. I can't live like this for much longer. Every time the wind moves my bedroom curtain, or I see a flash of bronze out of the corner of my eye or a waft of sweet air lingers, I whip my head around thinking it's you. It never is. Unless I get a message or sign from you soon, I won't keep myself safe. We once talked about how my number was up many times over. When we were together, I was being careful, not wanting any injury because I knew that it would cause you more pain than me. Being careful didn't prevent what happened though; maybe I really am doomed. Perhaps when I'm dead and gone, you'll understand how I truly feel about you. Is that what it will take? I know you think that my human emotions are weak and ever changing, what can I do to show you that you're wrong? I'll love you for as long as my heart beats; I would have loved you for even longer, if you had let me.

Some days I feel like I am Juliet, asleep on her simulated deathbed, waiting for her Romeo to arrive and take her somewhere where they can be together forever. Other days, I'm Ophelia, wandering the river, tearing at her clothes, mad over her loss. I'm not certain which heroine is a better fit. Both roles feel like a second skin. It doesn't escape my attention that neither had happy endings. Goddamnit. Why can't I be Rosalind instead?

I've decided that I'm not going to keep my promise to you anymore. If you can leave me so easily, I see no point in being beholden to a vow made to you with love. You have broken me as well as all of your pledges, and unless you come back, I don't want to hold myself together anymore. It is entirely too much, too hard, too agonizing. You've shattered me into a million pieces, and I don't care to put myself back together without you. You only have yourself to blame.

Anything and everything I am, or ever will be, is yours. Return to me and claim it. I know that I don't have as much to give as you do, and that I'm damaged now, but I'm all yours, Edward. I always have been, and I always will be. I can never be anyone else's. We are meant to be; nothing, not even your death or mine can change that. Come back to me, my love. Come back before it is too late, so that we can live.

Bella

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**AN: Thank you for reading.**


	5. Chapter 4: Nobody Loves You

**AN: Dankeschon to the folks at Project Team Beta and to the super fantastic LoveofEscapism and Blahblahblah for beta-ing. ** **Any errors are all mine. SMeyers' original ideas and characters, SManson & Co's lyrics. No copyright infringement intended. My words though. No copying, keep your eyes on your own paper please.**

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**Chapter Four: Nobody Loves You**

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_Watching the days slip by so fast  
Knowing our fate has long been cast  
Working our fingers to the bone  
Cause nobody loves you when you're gone_

_Coughing up feeling just for you  
To find something real to hold on to  
But there is a hole inside my heart  
Where all of my love comes pouring out._

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Bella, what are you doing on Friday?

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_Why?_

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It's Halloween and Mike's having a party. I can't go because I promised my parents I'd take my brothers trick-or-treating. Want to come with? I didn't know if you were going to the party or not. I don't want to spend all night by myself with the boys. Too much candy plus too many Legos would equal madness for me. You'd be doing me a huge favor. You can have all the Tootsie Pops you can eat! I'll even let you have the orange ones. Everyone knows they are, by far, the best flavor.

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_No thanks, Ang. I'm not a costume person._

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You don't have to get dressed up. I won't either; I'll just wear a sweatshirt and jeans. I thought it would be fun for us to hang out. We haven't spent much time together lately and I'd like to catch up. We can get an awesome sugar rush and have our own party. I can rent some movies, or we could just eat junk food.

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_Sorry. I can't go._

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Are you going to Mike's?

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_No._

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Please, Bella. I'm worried about you. You haven't been yourself ever since the Cullens left town. I know you miss them, but it's been over a month and you've been a ghost this entire time. I understand that their move sucks, but it would be good for you to get out and have some fun.

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_You can't possibly understand._

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That's because you won't talk with me. I'm trying to be a good friend here. But you won't let me in or tell me how you're feeling. That's what friends do. Maybe talking about it will help you feel better. Please let me be your friend again.

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_I appreciate it, Ang, but I'm not a good friend. You're better off, really._

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Gosh darn it. I know that you're not okay, that much is obvious. It's like you've shut down completely. You barely talk, you never eat, you don't respond to your name, you walk around in a constant daze. I'm surprised your dad lets you drive anywhere, actually. I want you to get better and go back to how you were before. I want my friend back.

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_That's not going to happen._

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What else can I do? You're not leaving me with many choices. Can we at least talk about what happened? Getting it off your chest will help, I promise. We can go to the diner and get a Coke or maybe get a change of scenery and go to P.A. We could stop by that used book store and go to that Italian restaurant you like. . . my treat.

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_**Definitely not.**_

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First Beach? Your place? My place? Seattle? Something, anything? Please, B. Jess and Lauren are driving me crazy. You know how they are. It'd be nice to talk to someone else for a change. I swear if I hear anymore talk about homecoming or dresses, I'll go crazy. Whatever you want, we'll do.

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_I don't feel like it. _

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You haven't felt like doing anything for weeks. I'm sorry that it's so hard for you, really I am. You can't be like this forever. Dwelling on things like you have been can't be good for you. Let me know when you're ready to talk, okay? I'd like to be there for you. Know that you have friends and that we care for you.

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_I've got to pay attention to class now._

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_Hey Ang, what's with the long face?_

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Bella won't talk to me or go out with me on Halloween. I'm worried about her, Ben. It's like she died and became a zombie or something.

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_Mmmm, braaaiins. Chomp, chomp._

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Don't make me laugh, Ben! I don't want to get caught passing notes.

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_Ah, there's a smile. Bella's going through a rough patch right now. Put yourself in her shoes._

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I'm trying to, but she's making it really difficult. I'm reaching out to her, but she keeps pushing me away. I miss her.

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_Maybe she just needs some space._

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That's all she's had for the last month and a half! I don't know how much more space a person could want. I wish there was something I could do to help her. I'm feeling really discouraged. I want to help and she won't let me.

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_I'm sorry, Ang. Is there anything I can do?_

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No.

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_Are you sure? Since Bella's unavailable, do want to maybe hang out on Halloween with me? Would that help you feel better? We could go to Mike's shindig._

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I have to take my brothers trick-or-treating.

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_That's cool. Have fun._

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Do you want to come with me? It won't be like going to the party, but we can eat all the mini candy bars we want, and we don't have to worry about Chief Swan stopping by. They'll be a handful, but they're great to hang out with, really goofy and funny. We're too old for trick-or treating but it's fun to do it vicariously through them. I love seeing the kids all dressed up.

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_Can I get dibs on the Almond Joys?_

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Ewww, really? That's gross. You can definitely have all of those. Coconut is my kryptonite.

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_Yes! You don't know what you're missing out on. So what time are we going out? Costumes? I was thinking ninja.  
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**AN: I got my review cherry popped last week and I jumped for joy! Was it good for you too, Love?**

**I'm trying to post a new chapter every Monday. This week I was visiting family and next week I start my new job, so things might be a bit delayed. I'll catch up soon. Thanks for reading!**


	6. Chapter 5: Subhuman

**AN:** **Domo Arigato to the folks at Project Team Beta and to LoveofEscapism and fantasmeqrt for beta-ing. ** **Y'all are the bees' knees!** **Super-special thanks to Love who's the bestest cheerleader a first-time writer could have.** **Any errors are all mine. SMeyers' original ideas and characters, SManson & Co's lyrics. No copyright infringement intended. My words though. No copying, cake-sniffers!**

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Chapter Five: Subhuman

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miscommunication , disinformation  
a perfect waste  
bite the sacred apple  
suck the poison  
enjoy the taste  
you're going down, down, down  
how low can you go?

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Edward,

I don't believe that I even know enough words in enough languages to share with you how furiously angry I am right now. I still can't believe you left her, and made all of us leave as well. Now, we're stuck in bloody upstate New York, and you're off in South America somewhere torturing yourself. Don't pretend like you're not; I can see you.

The family is pretty awful right now. Esme is trying to put up a brave face, but just so you know, she's terribly upset about Bella. She's already had to suffer the loss of one human child, and a second go-round is, perhaps, worse. Carlisle is keeping himself busy, of course. He is worried about you, but doing the whole stiff-upper-lip bit. You can take the vamp out of Britain but you can't take the Brit out of the vamp. Emmett is valiantly attempting to keep all our spirits up, but I can tell he's not pleased with how things turned out either. Every once in a while, a cloud passes over his eyes, and then all is well again, or so he wants it to seem. Rosalie is Rosalie, as always. Jasper is surviving. He still blames himself for recent events, although no one else does. I'm sure the weight of all our feelings isn't helping him with his burden, but he doesn't want to talk about that with me.

I don't blame Jasper for what happened, Edward. I blame you and your foolish- yes, foolish- desire to keep Bella protected as if she were in bubble wrap. It was an impossible proposition, we all knew it, and somehow let you carry out this Sisyphean task. I don't know what we were thinking. You get away with murder in our family, because you are, impossibly, the oldest, and, yet, act like the youngest. After all these years, I'm not going to allow it anymore. It's time you man up, Brother. You _need _to fix this.

I know that what you told us isn't how it really went down. You didn't think you could trick me, did you? Making a few last minutes decisions to keep me from warning Bella was clever, but I saw it all anyway. Setting aside the fact that _you lied to your family_, how could you say those words to Bella? She's stronger than you think, stronger than you at least. And you are so terrified of the first real thing that's ever happened to you; whereas she just threw herself into it, into you, entirely. This delicate, brave, human girl loves you, and impossibly loves us too, and you broke her. Did you even consider about how our disappearance would make Bella feel about herself? Or were you just too afraid to grow up that you couldn't think about anything other than yourself?

You're hiding now Edward, figuratively and literally. We're letting you lick your wounds in peace, but if you don't show your scrawny behind on our doorstep soon, Emmett is going after you, guaranteed. I don't need my visions to see that.

I don't know why, but I've honored your request and haven't "seen" Bella. Not only did you break her heart, but you broke mine too, you bastard. She was my first real friend and I miss her so much. You didn't even allow me to say good bye, but you gave yourself that much. I know that after what you put her through, she needs someone, and I'm mad as hell that I can't be there for my friend. Damn, Edward, you really know how to fuck things up good and proper, don't you?

I might say that Bella is better off without your melodramatic ass, but we both know that isn't true. You two fit together so well, in spite of your insane protestations. Don't even try to deny it. Before you met her, I never saw you so buoyant and now you're a total mess without her. I don't want you to miss out on the most important thing there is to this existence. I want you to be as ridiculously happy as the rest of us, but you still feel the need to sacrifice yourself for something that is beyond your control. We are what we are, and no matter how much you don't agree, we deserve to love and be loved. It's what ties us to this world. I just wish you could see that.

Things are falling apart here, and it's all because of you. Everyone is so frustrated and angry. You think that you're the only one suffering, but I can assure you that's not true. Stop playing the martyr for once, pull your head out of your ass, and look around to see what you've done. I can appreciate that you're upset, but it really is your own damn fault. If only you could accept Bella's future with us, none of this would have happened. I know that it's not the life you would have chosen for yourself, but it's what we've got. And Bella wants it too! By denying her, you're hurting all of us, not just yourself. We love you and we love her and we want both of you to be happy. This is not the way for that to happen.

Let us know when you're coming back. For some reason, we miss you and want to see your pretty face.

Alice

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P.S. Goddamnit, Edward! Did you really think I'd be fooled by your little letter switch-a-roo? I see you getting this, reading it, and sending it back as if you never opened it. I love you Brother, but you need to cut this shit out. We can make this better. Come home.

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**AN: Thanks for reading! **


	7. Chapter 6: Wild Horses

**AN: Two updates in one week! Holy cats! Havala lijepa to the awesome Project Team Beta and to the wonder-betas Love of Escapism and ilovenaley. Y'all are so very peachy-keen. Any errors are all mine. SMeyers' original ideas and characters, MJagger & Co's lyrics. No copyright infringement intended. My words though. **

**I know, I know it's a Stones song, but Lady M and the boys covered it and IMHO it's *****gasp***** as good, if not better, than the original. Link in my profile.**

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Chapter Six:

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Childhood living is easy to do  
The things you wanted I bought them for you  
Graceless lady you know who I am  
You know I can't let you slide through my hands

Wild horses couldn't drag me away,  
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away

I watched you suffer a dull aching pain,  
Now you've decided to show me the same  
No sweeping exits or offstage lines  
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind

Wild horses couldn't drag me away,  
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away

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From: Charlie Swan ,com  
To: Renee Dwyer FLsugamomma72yahoo,com  
Date: November 10th, 2004 at 8:31am PST

Renee,

I created this e-mail address so I can let you know how Bella's doing. A kid at the station set it up for me and gave me a tutorial on this e-mail business.

Bella's report card came back yesterday. Her grades are fine but her teachers are worried about her change in behavior the past few months. Nothing new there. She's been eating and going to school. She spends most of her time at home in her room and she's still having the nightmares I told you about. She's hasn't gotten worse, though. I thought you should know.

-Charlie

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From: Renee Dwyer FLsugamomma72yahoo,com  
To: Charlie Swan ,com  
Date November 12th, 2004 at 9:03pm EST

Charlie,

Thank you for the message. It's good to see you joining the 21st century!

I'm worried about our baby girl. I think about her every day and wish that I was closer. It's so hard being so far away from her. I think I have a better understanding now of how you felt when she lived with me.

Thank you, again, for taking care of her, Charlie. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. I wish that you would let me take her back with me. If she doesn't get better soon, I think a change of scenery would be good for her. Don't you agree? She'd love Florida. It's hot like Phoenix, and the beach is nearby. She'd love it. Just think about it, please.

What are you doing for Thanksgiving? I was thinking of asking Bella to come here for the holiday. I don't want to interrupt your plans though. Let me know if she wants to visit. Maybe she'll come and not want to leave!

R

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From: Charlie Swan ,com  
To: Renee Dwyer FLsugamomma72yahoo,com  
Date: November 20th, 2004 at 10:36 am PST

Renee,

Bella and I have T-day plans. Billy and Harry are coming over to watch the game and then we're going to have dinner at Harry's. His wife is a real good cook. She brings us dinner sometimes. I'll make sure Bella eats. Don't worry.

She's doing all right. She's about the same. She responds when I ask her questions, sometimes. She goes to school, goes to work, comes home, and goes to her room. She's still having those nightmares, almost every night. She screams so loud it wakes me up, and when I go to check in on her, she says she's fine.

I took her back to Dr. Gerandy and he made a referral for her to see a psychologist, like you asked. I made an appointment for her in a few weeks. I'll let you know how it goes.

Happy Thanksgiving.

-C

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From: Renee Dwyer FLsugamomma72yahoo,com  
To: Charlie Swan ,com  
Date December 1st, 2004 at 8:58pm EST

Charlie,

I was thinking of coming out for Christmas. Phil and I can stay at the motel. I think everyone at the house would be too crazy, not to mention awkward. I can't believe that you and Bella share a bathroom. It's a good thing that she's not the girly-type, or you'd never get to take a shower!

It's been too long since I've seen my baby and she needs me. A mother knows these things. Maybe she and I will go on a day trip to Seattle. We can shop and spend some quality time together. It would be good for her, like a mini-vacation, and I think she'd like it. There can't be too much to keep busy with in Forks, unless it's changed a lot over the last 17 years. I doubt it.

I miss her and I want to see her. Is that okay with you? The sooner you let me know, the sooner I can get tickets.

-R

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From: Charlie Swan ,com  
To: Renee Dwyer FLsugamomma72yahoo,com  
Date: December 3rd, 2004 at 12:14 pm PST

Renee,

Do you need a ride from the airport?

I think Bells will be glad to see you. Her appointment is next week. I'll let you know what happens.

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

From: Renee Dwyer FLsugamomma72yahoo,com  
To: Charlie Swan ,com  
Date December 9th, 2004 at 9:47pm EST

Charlie,

Thanks for the offer, but we're going to rent a car. It'll just be easier that way.

How was the appointment? Did it help? What did the doctor say? What did Bella say? Is she feeling better? Is my little girl going to be all right? What happened? Did you talk to the doctor too? You need to tell me everything!

Please write back as soon as you can. If I don't hear from you, I'm going to call tomorrow.

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

From: Charlie Swan ,com  
To: Renee Dwyer FLsugamomma72yahoo,com  
Date: December 9th, 2004 at 6:56 pm PST

We didn't go to the doctor. Bella said she forgot and went to her friend's house to study. She has finals coming up and she told me she needed some help with her Calculus class. I know that I should be angry with her, but I'm glad she's putting forth some effort in getting normal again. It's a good first step. Maybe she doesn't need help after all.

We'll see you soon.

Charlie

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From: Renee Dwyer FLsugamomma72yahoo,com  
To: Charlie Swan ,com  
Date December 15th, 2004 at 7:28 pm EST

Charlie,

What friend? I thought that she was spending her time not talking, holed up in her room. You're too damn trusting! Are you even sure she was at this "friend's" house? I thought we agreed that it would be best for Bella to see a psychologist. I still think it's important for her to talk to someone. It could really help her. I'll talk about with her when we come into town.

I wish you would have gotten her that cell phone, like we discussed. This wouldn't have happened, if you had. You could have called her to "remind" her or find out where she was hiding. Like father, like daughter. The more time she spends with you, the more alike you become.

It's not good for a girl her age to act like this. It's unhealthy. I want her to be happy, don't you?

We'll talk about this when I get there.

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

From: Renee Dwyer FLsugamomma72yahoo,com  
To: Charlie Swan ,com  
Date December 28th, 2004 at 10:17 pm EST

Charlie,

We just got home. I know we already discussed this in Forks, but I cannot believe the extent of how bad things are with Bella. I thought that she was getting better but she's a shell of her former self. She used to be so alive and it was agonizing to see her so lifeless. It's shocking, really.

I am still extremely irritated with you, for not telling me the truth, for not taking control of the situation, and for not being nearly as worried as I am. How could you let things deteriorate so badly? I trusted you to take care of our girl and now she's fallen apart.

She was always quiet but this is different. Now, she's silent. It's as if she were mourning. I know that her boyfriend left town, and that teenage heartbreak sucks, but this is verging on an obsession. It's not good for her. She's young and should be vibrant, but she's acting as if she were dead instead. I don't know how you can stand it.

The only reason I left Bella with you is because of the fight she put up when I tried packing her things so she could come back with us. That was the first time all week I saw her act like anything other than a walking corpse. For some reason, she wanted to stay there so badly she was willing to break out of her self-imposed exile, and be human again. Hopefully this is a sign of her getting better.

However, her staying with you is dependent on two things, as we agreed upon. She must contact me at least once a week with an update of how she is, and she can't stagnate or get worse. I know that she is technically an adult, but she is still my baby girl and it hurts me terribly to see her like that. I'm surprised and disappointed that you don't feel the same way.

-Renee

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

From: Charlie Swan ,com  
To: Renee Dwyer FLsugamomma74yahoo,com  
Date: December 31st, 2004 at 4:23 pm PST

You're not the only one who's worried, R. She's my daughter, too, and I love her just as much as you do. And until _she_ decides otherwise, she stays with me.

-C

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**AN: I wanted to give a voice to the parents here. They're often demonized in fanfic, and I don't think that's fair. I can see how this situation would be extremely hard on them, as well. **

**FF ate my proper e-mail punctuation and after fighting with it for an hour, I gave up. I hate that the () aren't there and it looks all wonky. *grumble, grumble***

**Thanks for reading!**


	8. Chapter 7: Sleep Together

**AN: ****Multumesc to Project Team Beta and to Love of Escapism and The Heart of Life for beta-ing. Y'all are the cat's pajamas! And pity poor Love and Heart who are trying to re-train my monkey brain into not double spacing after each sentence. Ugh, did it again. **

**Any errors are all mine. SMeyers' original ideas and characters, SManson & Co's lyrics. No copyright infringement intended. My words though. **

**This story earns its M Rating in three, two, one…**

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**Chapter 6: Sleep Together**

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Make me a pretty person  
Make me feel like I belong  
Make me hard and make me happy  
Make me beautiful

The emptiness  
The craziness  
Satisfy this hungriness

Darling  
How would it feel?.  
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Edward,

Charlie tried to take me to a psychologist last week. While I think it would be a relief to finally be able to actually talk to someone about my loss, I know that it's not possible. I couldn't give your family's secrets away, nor do I think that it would result in anything other than being institutionalized, or at least medicated. I didn't go. For the first time in my life, I lied to my father. I told him that I had forgotten and was doing something else. I was really hiding in the forest in the last place I saw you, trying to control the beating of my traitorous heart so the noisy sound of my gasping lungs couldn't give me away.

I want you to know that I'm giving you the only gift I can; my silence. I would give you so much more, if only you would let me. I swear to you and to your family that I will never breathe a word of who you are, what really happened in Phoenix or what caused you to leave. You can trust me; I promise.

I could be angry with you for taking away any sort of comfort for me, but I'm not. You are now my torment and my relief. I feel like an open wound that just won't heal and no amount of bandages will protect me. I _ache_ constantly. I long for your cool caress, your velvet voice, your smoldering stare. I miss the way my heart would pause, waiting for a sign from you to keep beating. My skin is hungering for your return, only to be disappointed every time that I am touched by someone who is not you. I yearn to see your smiling eyes when I awake; the empty space next to my pillow pains me a little more every time I see you're no longer there. I'm not sure how much more I can bear.

When I go to sleep, I imagine that you're beside me again. Your strong arms envelop me and your hard body presses against my softness. However, your imaginary self touches me the way I wished you would have but never did. You play me like I am an instrument and you are my body's maestro. You pluck at my strings, teasingly, knowing exactly where I need you the most and just skirting the edges of my want until I am weeping for my crescendo. My hands ghost over yours and while they aren't as soothing as your wintry fingers on my burning flesh, they bring me to my release. It's short-lived, though. My touch is never enough and my body knows that it's being shortchanged. I am always throbbing for you. There is nothing I wouldn't give for your hands to replace mine, _nothing_.

After I bite my pillow to keep your name from falling from my lips, I am accosted by memories of you. And it's all too much. The tears and sobs that I've held in all day pour out of me and when I sleep, I always see you behind my eyelids. You are leaving me once more to the murky green of the forest. I can't find my way out of the mossy depths and I'm shivering, crying, screaming but this time it's not because of pleasure.

I used to wake Charlie up, and in the middle of the night he would rush to me, as if I was an infant again and a warm bottle or calming back rub would make it all better. He sleeps through the night now but I'm still screaming. I wonder if I'll ever be able to close my eyes again without the fear and anticipation of seeing you. Part of me is afraid that I will lose you through the holes of my sieve-like memory and the other part is terrified that I'll never dream of anything else.

I used to be so strong and independent. I managed my family's household. I made myself responsible for my parents' diets. I chose to be selfless and move to Forks so my mom and Phil could be together and my dad could get to be my father again. I was an excellent student, always eager to learn and excited about the world around me. I am none of those things now. I used to be whole. Then I met you and you broke me.

You taught me that it was okay to let other people in, to not be so fiercely autonomous. I did everything you asked of me. I didn't ask too many questions about your family. I didn't push you for more when I wanted _all_ of you. I let you determine what we did, when and how we did it. I could fall and know that you would be there to catch me.

I must admit that it was nice to not have to be the responsible one for once. In the beginning, I felt free. I did everything I told myself I wouldn't when I had a boyfriend. I vanished into you. I watched Renee do the same thing over and over again with the same results each time. I guess I fell for that trap, too. When I thought I had done everything you wanted, when I twisted myself around so much that I lost sight of who I was, you left.

The Bella of a year ago would pity me for my weakness, for this dark desire to torture myself so I can pretend that you are nearby. She would shake her head and tell me that it's not worth it, that I am strong and don't really need you like I need oxygen. She would be wrong. She wouldn't know that you are my life and without you, I am nothing. Before I was just a part of a whole and didn't realize it. After being with you, I know what wholeness feels like and I don't want to go back to being incomplete again. That girl never met you, and she couldn't possibly understand how you've altered me.

You told me that you would never change me, but it's too late, Edward. I was changed from the minute our eyes met.

Yours,

Bella

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AN: Thank you for reading. Song Link in my profile  
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	9. Chapter 8: Sex is Not the Enemy

**AN: ****Shukran gazilan to Project Team Beta and the cooler-than-cool (ice cold!) Lulu M and Love of Escapism for beta-ing. Y'all are peachy keen! ****Any errors are all mine. SMeyers' original ideas and characters, SManson & Co's lyrics. No copyright infringement intended. My words though, kidlets.**

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Chapter Eight: Sex Is Not The Enemy

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True love is like gold  
There's not enough to go around  
But then there's God and doesn't God love everyone?

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Edward,

I hope that you are well, that this letter reaches you, and you have read it. Alice told me that she saw you read her missive, despite all evidence to the contrary. She was quite hurt to see your response, or lack thereof, to her. I do not think you realize how much she views you as her true brother, and your actions cut her deeply.

But I digress.

I am writing you because this is the only method of communication that you have left open to us. I would rather have an actual conversation with you, but you haven't been answering your phone recently. I may not completely understand why you are cutting yourself off like this, but I would appreciate it if you could at least call your mother. She is almost frantic with worry after not hearing from you for months. I do not mean to chastise you, and I apologize for it in advance, but I believe you need to take responsibility for your actions.

Son, we miss you and wish for your return to our family. We have all felt incomplete ever since you left, as if a piece of our puzzle is missing. It must be very difficult for you to be around six people who are in love with each other, especially considering your unique gift. Please keep in mind, though, that we all love you as well. Perhaps not in the same manner, but it is a powerful emotion, nonetheless. I know that I cannot truly appreciate how lonely you feel, as you have pointed out many times. However, I like to think that I do have a good grasp on your emotions after all the time that we have spent together. I hope that you will remember how alone I was for so long before you joined me. I am more familiar with loneliness than you may think.

Ithaca is lovely right now, and I am certain that I could find a position for you at the hospital or the university. If neither of those options appeals to you, the school also has a fantastic music program. Although it is a bit of a journey, we could also visit New York City whenever you want. It has been a while since we lived near such a bustling metropolis that has so many musical and cultural opportunities.

Alice has been taking classes at the college and says she forgot how enjoyable education can be at the university-level. Jasper just started studying philosophy, and Emmett thinks he might enroll in the fall. Rose insisted that we all get new vehicles while we are here. She has been spending her time restoring some vintage cars that caught her eye. Esme is keeping busy as well. She is also working on a restoration herself, albeit a historical one in the heart of town. When we first moved here, she set up a room for you, just in case you do come home. She made sure that your space has the nicest view and the best acoustics. She misses you like hell, Edward. We all do.

The hunting around here is good, though not as exotic as you are, no doubt, becoming accustomed to. There are enough bears to keep Emmett satisfied, something I never thought I would see in my many years. There is also a quite large deer population. We are close enough to visit Canada often, and the game there is plentiful as well. We have a few acres in the forest, and our nearest neighbors are quite far. I believe that you would like it here very much.

I don't mean to overstep my bounds, but I have given some thought to your situation. I'm going to dive right in and say that I have come to the conclusion that Bella is a grown woman and mature enough to make her own educated decisions. She understands the risks of our lifestyle and is willing to undertake them. I realize that you want to protect her, but I believe that she is more than capable of making her own choices. She is not a child, Edward, and you cannot treat her as such. She may be younger than you in years, but I feel like in some ways she is emotionally more an adult that yourself.

We have spent decades discussing our views on souls, God, and religion, and in the past, we have agreed to disagree. I can do so no longer. I believe that it is more than possible for Bella to join our family, _in every way_, and to still retain her divine essence. We are not doomed, as you may think, because of our situation. We are not monsters. We are certainly capable of acting inhumanely, but so is every other sentient creature that walks this planet. It is our decision not to that allows us to be absolved when or if that time ever comes. Forgive me if you think I am acting too paternally. I do it because I love you and wish for you to finally be happy.

I know you well enough to be able to imagine how you are torturing yourself right now. While I am not as familiar with Bella as I am with you, I'm sure that she is doing the same. Leaving her will not erase the life-altering impact you both have had on one another. Staying away must be painful, in the extreme, to you both and wholly _unnecessary_.

I fear that you have become so accustomed to loneliness that you will shy away from intimacy. I am also concerned that your physical age may have had some influence on your decisions. Sometimes I think that I made the wrong choice when I changed you. You were so young, and in some ways are still. At any age, the unknown can be scary, even to creatures like us. It must be especially frightening to you based on both your and Bella's abilities. Please don't turn your back on this experience, Edward. It is a fundamental part of existence. Your life will really be transformed for the better when you let love be your guide.

You are truly one of the gentlest souls I have ever known, and you deserve to have a good life. I know that you don't agree because of the mistakes you've made, but we've all made mistakes. You know almost better than anyone the litany that is mine. However, it truly is what makes us human. As Pope said, "To err is human, to forgive divine." Please forgive yourself. Your past errors should not mean eternity of suffering. We are all sinners, Edward, yet we are all worthy of goodness. Yes, even you.

If I may restate my case, quite simply, God is love. God is good. Ergo, love is good.

I'm aware that the letter Alice sent also asked you to come to New York, granted she may have used stronger language than I. But I do hope that with some more time you have reconsidered your position. We may not be a family by blood, but we are one by choice, and your family needs you. I need you, my first son. Please come home to us.

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Carlisle

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AN: Song in my profile. Thanks for reading.


	10. Chapter 9: Fix Me Now

**AN: Toda raba to PTB and the super-betas Love of Escapism and K. Cerena. Y'all rock the Kasbah.** **Any errors are all mine. SMeyers' original ideas and characters, SManson & Co's lyrics. No copyright infringement intended. My words though, step off copy cats.**

**Chapter Nine: Fix Me Now**

Things don't have to be this way  
Catch me on a better day

Nowhere only down from here  
Pick me off the floor  
Take away the things I dream  
One time one place one more

Fix me now  
I wish you would  
Bring me back to life

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To: Bella Swan (bellaswan88(at)gmail,com)

From: Renee Dwyer (FLsugamomma72(at)yahoo,com)

Date: January 3rd, 2005, 8:23 pm EST

Sugar,

Happy New Year!

How was your night? Phil and I went out with some of his teammates and their girls to a local bar. It was a lot of fun. I had a glass of champagne at midnight and we watched the ball drop on TV. The next morning, we slept in and had a huge breakfast when we woke up. I wanted to make something special, but Phil insisted on just having bacon and eggs. I hope you were out with friends too.

Bella, honey, I'm still really worried about you. Charlie told me that you were doing better, but it didn't seem like that when I last saw you. Our trip last month was so short, and you seemed so...I don't know what. Sad, I guess, but that's not strong enough a word to describe it. Depressed maybe? I'm sure you know what word I'm thinking of, you always do. I'm disappointed that you missed the appointment Charlie made for you. I hoped that it would help you. Please make another one and actually go this time. A new year is a great time for a fresh start. I think you really need one, sweetie.

I really wish that you would change your mind and come out here to stay with us. We both have stable jobs now and it would be so great to see you every day again! I really miss the time we used to spend together. I think it would be good for you, too. All that doom and gloom of Forks is really getting to you, I can tell. It's all sunshine all the time here in Jacksonville, you'd really like it. It's hot like Phoenix but it's on the beach which, really, just makes everything better!

I love you baby girl. Be happy.

Momma

P.S. Remember your promise and write me back. It's one of the conditions we discussed for you staying in Forks.

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To: Renee Dwyer (FLsugamomma72(at)yahoo,com)

From: Bella Swan (bellaswan88(at)gmail,com)

Date: January 7th, 2005 5:29 pm, PST

Mom,

Dad and I stayed home on New Year's. I had work the next day. We're fine. School started again. It's going okay.

Bella

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To: Bella Swan (bellaswan88(at)gmail,com)

From: Renee Dwyer (FLsugamomma72(at)yahoo,com)

Date: January 11th, 2005, 6:42 pm EST

Baby,

I was thinking of you this morning before I went to my pottery class and just wanted to let you know that I miss you and love you. We just started glazing our pieces and I decided to do each mug a different color. Phil's is green, mine is purple (of course!) and your's is brown. I remember you saying that's your favorite color. I don't know why though, it's just so...brown. I did a blue one too, just in case.

Anyway, I just signed up for yoga again. There's a new studio in our neighborhood and it looks interesting. I know that when we tried it in Phoenix you thought it was too silly and I fell asleep during the relaxation period. I read an article about how it's good exercise for your body and mind, so I'm going to try it out again. I don't know if they have a studio in Forks (I doubt it), but if there is one, you should sign up for it. We could do it together, well sort of, just like old times. And when you come to visit us, we can go to a class together, like a mother-daughter bonding experience. It would be so much fun!

My pottery class is ending soon and I'm looking for something new to do. I found a neighborhood book club. I think I might join. You always loved reading so much and, as you know, it hasn't ever been my favorite activity. I thought we could read the books together and talk about them over the phone. What do you think, sweetie? I'd like to know what goes on in that clever head of yours. You're probably busy with school and work, but maybe you could try to fit in some time for your mom?

Have you made a new appointment yet?

Love,

Momma

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To: Renee Dwyer (FLsugamomma72(at)yahoo,com)

From: Bella Swan (bellaswan88(at)gmail,com)

Date: January 14th, 2005 8:17 pm, PST

Mom,

School is okay. I'm eating. I haven't had time to talk with the doctor. I've been too busy with work and school.

Bella

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To: Bella Swan (bellaswan88(at)gmail,com)

From: Renee Dwyer (FLsugamomma72(at)yahoo,com)

Date: January 18th, 2005, 9:14 pm EST

My Belly,

I had to leave my class this week and sub for a sick teacher. I love how wide-eyed and honest, really honest, children are at this age. It's amazing. I had forgotten how much second graders differ from kindergarteners. They can read, do some math, and all sorts of other things, while the kinders are just learning the alphabet. I missed my kids, but it was nice having a change of pace.

I went to one yoga class and didn't like it. I should have known after our experience that sitting still and meditating is just not my cup of tea. Everything was soooo slow. I felt like I was moving backwards. The book club I told you about just started and it looks like that will keep me busy for a bit. I've all ready forgotten what our first book is, but if you want to read it too, I can get two copies and mail yours if you like.

Phil wants to know when you're going to come for a visit. He really wants to take his girls, (that's what he calls us now, isn't that sweet?) to Disney World. We went a few weeks ago as a second honeymoon. We had so much fun and now Phil is dying to go back! We're going to wait for you, though, so it'll be like a real family outing. I hope that you're not too old for that sort of thing, being eighteen now. I tried explaining to Phil you might not want to go, but he couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't want to go to "the happiest place on earth". Maybe you'll visit for spring break and we can go? That would be nice. Charlie thinks it's a good idea too. You know how rare it is for us to agree on anything! Let me know when you're coming so I can buy you a ticket.

Momma

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To: Renee Dwyer (FLsugamomma729(at)yahoo,com)

From: Bella Swan (bellaswan88(at)gmail,com)

Date: January 20th, 2005 5:29 pm, PST

Mom,

How are you? I think you'll have a good time with your book club, at least a better time than in yoga. If you tell me what book you're reading, I can see if it's at the library in P.A.; probably not though. It sounds like you and Phil had a great trip! I don't know what my plans are for Spring Break yet. Can I let you know later?

I had a fun weekend. I went to the movies with a friend from school on Friday night. I had work on Saturday morning but in the afternoon I hung out with Jacob Black. He's Billy Black's son. I don't know if you ever met Jacob, but you might remember Billy. Jake is into cars; he's actually the person who fixed my truck. I watched him put together an engine; it was pretty amazing. He knew where all these little bits of metal went and by the end, the motor was running like new. I wish I could do something like that. Jake tried teaching me how to do car stuff but I kept on dropping the tools so we decided it would be better if I just watched. He says being able to cook is just as handy, but I don't know about that.

On Sunday, Jake and I went around looking for parts he needs and then came back to his place so he could work some more on his project. Billy ended up inviting Charlie over for dinner and then the Clearwaters came and we had an impromptu dinner party in the Blacks' backyard. Spaghetti for everyone! Dad got to talk fishing with Billy and Harry and Seth, Leah, Jake and I hung out. Of course, since we're in Forks, it started raining and everyone had to head home. It was fun while it lasted, though.

I have school tomorrow and a bunch of homework, so I'm going to go. I love you, Mom. We'll talk soon.

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**AN: Link to song in profile. Thanks for reading!**


	11. Chapter 10: Right Between the Eyes

**AN: Seriously, I need to say again how bloody awesome the folks at Project Team Beta are, especially the fantabulous Love of Escapism, who talks me down from plot ledges and makes all right with the world again. Thank you x 1,000 to Great Chemistry and Love of Escapism for beta-ing this chapter. SMeyers' original ideas and characters, SManson & Co's lyrics. No copyright infringement intended. My words though, lovelies.**

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Chapter Ten: Right Between The Eyes

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And you've been waiting all your life  
To fly high into somebody else  
And it's true it's a cruel, cruel world  
Life's a bitch and then you die my love

Don't care what they have to say  
You shouldn't listen to them anyway

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This class is soooooo boring. BTW, don't be a doofus, and let Banner catch us passing notes. My mom said if I got caught again, I'd be grounded. Gah, when is the suffering ever going end?

_I know! If I hear Banner say "per se" one more time, I'm going to scream!_

LOL! Don't say it if you don't mean it. He's gonna break it out at least once more this period.

_Prob. Why do we need to know this stuff anyway? It's not like I need to know how many elements there are anyway. Who the hell cares?_

I don't. I just need to know how many more days there are until I can leave this hick town.

_OMG! I know, really. This place is driving me crazy._

Crazier, you mean.

_Why am I friends with you again?_

Because you've known me since we were in-utero.

_Have you been reading the dictionary? I keep telling you there aren't any pictures. _

I'm choosing to ignore that. You didn't share all the details at lunch. How was your "movie date" Friday? Did the ice princess say anything, or was she just as fascinating in P.A. as she is here?

_It was fine. _

What possessed you to see a movie with her?

_She asked me, and I felt bad for her._

Well, golly gee, it's like you're some humanitarian now or something. Did her highness enjoy gracing you with her presence?

_It's not like that, Lauren._

Well what's it like then? She's your "friend" for a bit, meets Cullen and falls off the face of the planet. Then when he leaves town, she's your new BFF? WTF, Jess? I thought we were going to hang on Friday.

_It sounded like you were just going to try and get on Mike again. And as much fun as that sounds, I thought getting out of Forks was a good idea._

What'd you crazy kids do?

_We saw the movie and got some burgers. Then we came home._

Something _must_ have happened. What's the dirt? Spill.

_Damn, he said it again. _

I told you he would. Stop avoiding my question. How was it, really?

_Promise not to tell anyone?_

Why? What happened? Is she a creature of the night? Is that what really happened to the Cullens? She ate them? _Quelle_ _horror!_

_No! Nothing like that. It was just kinda weird._

She is the queen of weird. Look at who she used to hang out with.

_Seriously._

Moving on…

_Well, she just left at the beginning of the movie, for like, ten minutes. Then she disappears right before it ends. I thought she ditched me._

That sucks.

_Yeah. Then the really weird stuff happened. We were going to get dinner, and we were walking by this gross bar. She just walks up to these nasty guys and starts talking to them! She said they looked familiar, but they just looked dirty to me._

Familiar, like she saw them when she was visiting her dad at work? Or like she was _close, personal _friends with them?

_Um, ew. I don't know how. It freaked me out. I thought we were gonna get kidnapped or something. _

Seriously, who'd kidnap you two? It's not like your parents could afford the ransom.

_Screw you._

Then what happened? Did you get a good night kiss?

_Why are you being such a jerk?_

You love me. Tell me more! Tell me more!

_Have you been watching cheesy movies again? _

I resent that. _Grease_ is a cinematic masterpiece. You're just too ignorant to know it.

_Whatever. Watch me shake my head in violent disagreement._

Wait, what's you're favorite movie again? Which _Harry Potter_ is it?

_Duh! _The Goblet of Fire_! It's clearly the best one._

I can't keep track of them all. There's too many. And none of them have singing and dancing, or John Travolta.

_Thank jeebus for that. Can you imagine? Awkward British teenage boys trying to carry a tune?_

I can imagine something else I'd like too-hot-for-their-own-good British boys to be doing. Mmmm.

_Le sigh._

Anyway, what happened next? You're too easily distracted.

_I'm sorry. Have I not shown you the _Equus_ pics? H-O-T-T!_

Yes, yes, you've shown me, multiple times.

_And?_

I don't like my men scrawny.

_Have you seen Mike? At all? Like ever?_

Shut it. Take it back.

_Yeah, whatever. He's a hot piece of man meat, et cetera, et cetera._

That's better. Can we get back to the story, please?

_Sure. We came, we saw, we left. It's like we're ancient Romans or something._

Details! Did you get jumped? Did Bella hop on one of their bikes with them and ride away?

_Don't be ridiculous. She may be dumb, but she's not a fucking moron._

So…

_She just talked to them and left. They weren't who she thought they were. She said she must have been confused_

Ya think?

_She's has been acting really out of it._

No shit, Sherlock.

_Woot! Three more minutes. Going to pretend like I'm paying attention now. I'll just cock my head and look intrigued, like Mike does._

I hate you.

_No you don't. You wouldn't know what to do without me. You'd cry yourself to sleep at night._

Doubt it.

_Anyways, that's not the strangest thing that happened._

You've been holding out on me!

_Whatevs. After talking to the creepos, it was like she just woke up from a coma. You know, sleep like the dead and then super alert. It's like she was Rumple Whosits. She actually looked alive, not her normal corpse self. It was totally bizarro._

It was probably just some adrenaline rush. Or she's some sort of danger junkie.

_What? Here in Forks? What's she gonna do? Jump off a cliff?_

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AN: Music links on my profile. Thanks for reading!


	12. Chapter 11: I Think I'm Paranoid

AN: **Maraming salamat Project Team Beta, the fan-bloody-tastic LuLu M and Love of Escapism for being fabulous and for helping make sense of the mess this started out as. ****SMeyers' original ideas and characters, SManson & Co's lyrics. No copyright infringement intended. My words though, ma cheries.**

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Chapter Eleven: I Think I'm Paranoid

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Steal me, deal me, anyway you heal me  
Maim me, tame me, you can never change me  
Love me, like me, come ahead and fight me  
Please me, tease me, go ahead and leave me

Bend me  
Break me  
Anyway you need me  
As long as I want you baby it's all right.

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Edward,

I went to the house today. I didn't mean to, but I was drawn to it like a magnet. I don't know what, or who, I expected to see there. Maybe you? Obviously, that didn't happen. No one was there. It looked so lonely and sad.

The forest is trying to reclaim its space- the paths are so obscured by greenery, you can't even see the road anymore- but the house is bravely soldiering on. Perhaps, it's holding out hope that your family will return and take care of it again. The whole property felt entirely too eerie, like a body long-emptied of its soul. I couldn't stay for long. It broke what little was left of my heart to see it abandoned and forgotten like that.

I just realized how much I have in common with that house. I, too, feel like I'm making my last stand against the inevitable. I'm still trying to hold on to my memories of you, but they're becoming weaker day by day. I used to remember so clearly how we spent every moment together last summer, and now they're all blending into a hazy combination of feelings and images.

It's a lot like when you wake up from a dream and can only get a sense of how it felt, but not of any clear events or actions. That scares me. If you are my life and you're no longer with me, what am I? And who will I be when you've faded from my memory entirely? Will I be anyone at all? Is there anything left that I could be?

With every day that you're gone, my happily ever after with you seems further and further away. I know that I said I'd wait forever for you. Forever seems like eternity more so now than it ever did. If I knew that a never-ending future with you was still a possibility, one hundred and sixty days would be _nothing._ But now, I'm not so sure.

It's been four months since you've left, and I still haven't heard anything from you or your family. You have an infinite amount of time ahead of you. Maybe this past year meant so little to you that I am just a mere blip on your screen. However, it's becoming clearer to me that every day I spend without you, is a day I'm never going to get back.

It is a day wasted, time spent longing for someone I may never have again, may never even see again. That's not how I want to spend the rest of my life, and yet this constant pull I feel towards you, continues to tell me otherwise. It whispers in my ear, "Just for one more day; you can wait for him. It's just one more day." I am not sure how many more days I have left to use like this.

I still think of you incessantly. Every little thing reminds me of you, and as much as I try to push it down, you come back up to the surface every damn time. It's tearing me apart. Just a few weeks ago, I was clinging to anything I could that made me think of you and now… I feel differently. I wish that I could know what will happen, but I don't have a fortune teller or mind reader at my disposal anymore.

The hardest part right now is knowing that you're slipping away from me. Experiencing it once was bad enough, but a second time just seems grossly unfair. You get to keep every memory you have of us and I don't, no matter how hard I try. You've been on my mind constantly, yet I know that my images of you are fading, despite my best efforts. I'm beginning to think it's better that way. Forgive me?

I'm so tired of this shit. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of being the sole survivor of this particular train wreck. I feel hollowed out, abandoned, and I can't help but wonder if you feel the same. Or have you stumbled upon another distraction? Do you tell her you love her too? Does she say it back?

I hate that I feel like this, and I hate that I'm starting to feel better. You have me so tied up in knots that I don't know how to be without you. I never thought that I could ever get so turned around, yet here I am unable to stop thinking of you and wishing I could. I want to get better. But feeling like that seems like a betrayal. I can't tell which is worse: the part of me still loves you or the other part, that gets bigger every day, wishes I never did.

The house and I are still alive but just barely. We are standing but waning, waiting... As if we could go anywhere else. I want to run away from here as fast as I can, but I'm still connected to this place, to this existence, anchored to the land where we met and loved. Like the house, my foundation ties me here, because if you do come back, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

I can't leave; I am as yoked to Forks now as this neglected building. If I'm identifying with a house so closely, maybe I really have gone off the deep end. I am just now comprehending how pitiful I have become. I don't want to be that person anymore, but it's been so long that I don't know how to not be her.

You've been all I ever wanted, and without you, I don't know how to be. I just know that I don't want to be like this.

Bella

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AN: You may not have noticed but I changed my user name here. I'm now McGee42. Again, thank you for reading and your wonderful and insightful comments.


	13. Chapter 12: Can't Seem to Make You Mine

**AN:** **Efcharisto to the amazing folks at Project Team Beta, especially to LuLu M and Love of Escapism for being the bestest betas a first-time author could hope for. XOXO. ****SMeyers' original ideas and characters, SManson & Co's lyrics. No copyright infringement intended. My words though, darlinks.**

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**Chapter Twelve: Can't Seem to Make You Mine**

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I tried everything that I know  
to make you want to love me so  
the only thing you do  
is try to put the hurt on me

can't you see what you're doin' to me  
you fill my heart with misery  
with every breath, every step I take  
I'm more in love with you

I can't go on like this  
a little bit of love, not a kiss  
I gotta have your love every day  
one little bit I say

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Rebecca,

So, how 'bout them Mariners?

No, really. Is that husband of yours taking good care of you? How are the islands? When are you coming back for a visit? Dad would love to see you. I _guess_ I miss you too.

Things are all right here. Dad went to the doctor's last week for a check up. His blood sugar isn't getting better, but it's not worse either. So we're going to go back in a few months to check it again. Dad says he's not worried, but I am a little. He's all ready got so many health problems. He doesn't need anymore. I'll let you know what Gerandy says next time.

We have been eating more vegetables. Sometimes it's just carrots or that frozen lima/corn/pea stuff because that's the cheapest at the store. No more cookies or chips, though, promise. Dad's been fishing a lot. I'm tired of eating the stuff, but it's cheap so it's what we have right now. I swear, I think I'm going to turn into a fish one of these days. We've been frying less too so you can stop worrying about that.

You were right about asking Sue Clearwater for help, by the way. She said it's still a bit too cool for foraging right now. Once it warms up a bit, she's going to take me on an expedition (her word, not mine) and show me what we can eat and what'll kill us. Soon, I'll be able to find my own mushrooms and greens in the forest. I'm going native! Pretty cool, huh?

There's been some weirdness going on with Embry lately. He hasn't been hanging with me and Quil, and I get the feeling he's avoiding us. All of a sudden, he's been spending a ton of time with Sam and his crew. It's like someone flipped a switch or something. They think they're the protectors of the rez, but they get on my nerves. So damn cocky. I feel like they've been eyeing me to join their "club" too, but I'm not interested. I don't like it, or them. Dad says that they're good guys, but I'm not so sure. It makes me feel uneasy.

Speaking of things that are going on…

My favoritest, oldest sister, I need your help. I'm _that_ desperate. I'm writing you instead of calling cause I don't want Dad or Rachel to know about this. Even if Dad was on the other end of the rez, he'd hear me on the phone with you. And Rach would make fun of me. I'd never hear the end of it. Did you know that she still teases me about that time Dad caught me trying to kiss that girl when I was twelve? I swear, she's like a dog with a bone. So, this is just between us, 'kay?

Do you remember Bella Swan? Her dad is the Chief of Police. When we were kids, she used to come to Forks during the summer. Charlie would drag her along on fishing trips with Dad and us. She got her lip caught on a fish hook? She stepped into the can of bait and freaked out? She fell into the lake and wouldn't stop crying? Remember yet? Good times.

Anyway, she moved back in with her dad about a year ago. She started seeing this guy, but then his family suddenly left town. He's a real blood sucker, and I'm glad that they're all gone. But she's not. She's really, really not. Bella is still super torn up about it even though it's been like five months since he left. She acts as if it was just yesterday. It's like she's shattered, Becca. It's really sad.

We've been spending a ton of time together recently. Bella comes over and hangs out in the garage while I'm fixing up the Rabbit. Yeah, I know, real romantic, but she says she likes it. She's been helping me with my homework too. Bells is crazy-smart and funny and beautiful. She is _amazing_. I think you can tell where this is going, by now.

So what do I do? She's totally perfect. I've got it real bad for her, but she is still hung up on this guy. Like, she won't listen to music because it makes her think of him. It doesn't matter what kind of song because it's fucking _all of them_. When something happens to remind her of him, she curls up into a ball and rocks herself. It's intense.

I hurt just seeing her like this. I want to make it all better, but I don't think I can. She breaks my heart. I'm such a sucker. I wish that I could just hold her and make things right. I'm young, but even I know it doesn't work like that. What if she'll always be this broken? What if I can't fix her? What if she'll never want me like she still wants him?

I know it's stupid to be so into someone who is obviously so hurt. But I can't help it. I've never met anyone like her before. Every time we see each other, which is almost every day, I want to touch her, kiss her. I'm pretty certain that she wouldn't want that, but it's getting harder not to. I make dumb excuses, like asking her to hand me a wrench or leaning in too close when she's helping me with homework. I'm pathetic, I know; you don't need to tell me.

I really like this girl, obviously. I can't stop thinking about her. It's crazy. I see her almost every day for hours, and it's not enough. I'm trying to be careful. I don't want to scare her off or let her know how I'm feeling, but it's so hard (That's what she said. Ha! Sorry, couldn't help myself). I don't want to screw this thing up with her, if this thing is anything at all. I really want it to be.

I think I might have a chance if she can just stop thinking about this guy. Homework is a good distraction, so is this secret project we're working on. She picked up some trashed bikes that I'm fixing up for her- one for her, and one for me. She wants me to give her riding lessons. I don't know why, maybe she has a death wish or something. I really hope not.

Bella may have a lot of great qualities but she is the biggest klutz I've ever met. I'm surprised that she can get from one place to another without serious bodily harm, most of the time at least. I didn't think she would last a minute on her ride, but I promised that I'd teach her. And it lets us spend more time together.

We had our first bike "lesson" last week and she got herself into this gnarly accident, just like I predicted she would. I was supposed to be keeping her safe, and she ended up getting tossed off her bike like a rag doll. She was all banged up, and her head had a ginormous gash. It was hecka scary. I wanted to take her to the hospital, but she wouldn't let me. What kind of jerk lets that happen to his girl? No wonder she's not interested.

Are you laughing at me yet? I wouldn't blame you. I've become such a sap. I even gave her a box of those crappy candy hearts for Valentine's Day, Becca. It was pitiful, and I forgot how disgusting those things are. I asked her to be my valentine, as a joke, sorta, and she freaked out a bit. Can I be any more of a doofus? Ugh, so pathetic.

Maybe it's because I'm younger than her. Maybe it's because I'm Quileute. Maybe it's because her ex has a lot of money and we don't. I don't think she is that shallow, though. Maybe I'm just not _the guy_.

So, Sis, what do I do?

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Love,

Jake

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**AN: Song links in profile. Thanks for reading!**


	14. Chapter 13: Milk

**AN****Go raibh maith agaibh to the amazing folks at Project Team Beta, especially to LuLu M and Love of Escapism who are the peanut butter to my strawberry jam and know this story better than I do sometimes. VASweetPea, who helps with emergency beta-ing, is a rock star! XOXO. ****SMeyers' original ideas and characters, SManson & Co's lyrics. No copyright infringement intended. My words though, dearies.**

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**Chapter Thirteen: Milk**

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I'm waiting  
I'm waiting  
For you

I'm aching for you  
I'm waiting for you

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Edward,

I almost died today, and the last thing I thought about was you, goddamnit. I believed that I was slowly getting better, and now I feel like I'm starting all over. I have worked so hard at keeping this wound in my chest closed, and it's gaping open again. That's the last thing I wanted and because of that one moment of weakness, I find myself longing for you once more.

I've reached the point where I'm not sure if I made you up or not. You've always seemed too good to be true. I'm afraid that I've been living inside my head for far too long and can no longer tell the difference between fantasy and reality.

I'm trying to find some hard evidence that proves you were really here, that I didn't make you up. All of my pictures of you disappeared when you did. I need something to hold on to, to believe in, something more tangible than my unreliable memory.

Have I told you that I've heard you talking to me? It's only when I'm in peril. I think that you come to me to protect me from harm. Listening to you in my ear has become my new addiction, and I've been making decisions based on when I can your whisper again

You'd hate that I'm putting myself in these dangerous situations, but it's the only way I have left to feel close to you. Your velvet voice soothes and condemns my soul, all at the same time.

I'm walking too fine of a line here. I'm afraid to find out what will happen if I fall off this tightrope. I want to forget and yet, I'm so desperate to be near you, I'll put myself in harm's way again and again, just for that one small crumb.

I really want this voice in my head to be you more than anything, but I'm pretty certain that it's just another delusion of mine. The first was that you really cared for me. That can't possibly be the case because if it were true, I wouldn't be writing this letter to you. I'd be in your arms instead.

I don't understand how you can say you care for me, and then leave me for my 'own good'.

I'm no good now, Edward. I'm falling apart and the pieces aren't fitting back together like they should. You made me whole, and I'm broken without you. I walk and I talk, but none of it means anything without my soul. You didn't want to change me because of it, but it's gone now anyway and so are you.

Remember our first sunny day together? It's still the best day I've ever had, the best day I can ever hope to have. I wanted to return to our meadow, just to see if it really existed, if we really existed. My faith is wearing so very thin. I wish that I could be stronger, and hold on to my hope for longer, but I am still only human, despite my best efforts.

I thought if I could find the meadow that somehow things would be better, that I would know you were real, that you would come back to me, and that everything would be all right again. None of that happened when I stumbled into the clearing today. Instead, I was hit afresh with a wave of agony that was so intense, I thought that my pain would finally tear me in two.

Sometimes, I wish that would actually happen. Then I would finally be free of this longing, this ache. I wouldn't have to feel anything. It would be such a relief to let go of all of this, to not have to suffer anymore.

I can't do that though. Not to Charlie, not to Renee, not to Jacob, not to myself. I need to be stronger than this. I need to get past you and move on. I wish that saying it could make it so. I'm learning to stop wishing for the impossible.

The meadow is ruined for me now. Of course, you weren't there. It was silly of me to expect to see you, but a small part of me held out hope, no matter how ridiculous. I know now how truly foolish that was.

I thought I was alone in the forest, but I was very, very wrong. I bumped into an old "friend" during my visit, a dread-locked, red-eyed hungry friend who had some interesting information to tell.

Did you know that Victoria is looking for me? And that she sent Laurent on a fact-finding mission here? Did Alice tell you that Victoria wants to destroy me like you destroyed James? Alice must have seen me in grave peril by now. Do you even care?

Victoria thinks it's a good trade, mate for mate. Little does she know that I mean nothing to you. The joke's on her, I guess, or me. Either way, we're both going to be disappointed.

The wheels of fate rescued me yet again. This time, a pack of giant wolves appeared and scared Laurent off. It was totally bizarre, even for me. I don't know where they came from, why they didn't attack me or how they looked so eerily familiar, but they chased after him and I didn't hang around to see them hunt their next quarry.

I'm so fucking tired of being the damsel in distress. Of all the stereotypes I could be, I abhor that one the most. It makes me feel weak when I want to be strong. That is what I want most now; at least that's what I tell myself.

If I was strong then I wouldn't still need you so badly. If I was strong, I would know that I could endure this heartbreak and live to tell the tale because I could survive anything.

Instead, I still feel like I'm lost a lot of the time. I am stuck in this black tunnel of sadness and regret. Before, I could only see the darkness but occasional a small flicker of light appears to help me find my way out. It's not much, but it's the best I can. And that will have to be enough for now.

I'd risk it all to get you back though. I'd experience all of pain and suffering many times over if you were the light at the end of this tunnel. To be able to hold you, kiss you, be loved by you again would be worth it. You would be worth it. It's not too late, but it will be soon. I'm waiting for you, but not for much longer. Return to me, before I move on.

Please.

Bella


	15. Chapter 14: Silence is Golden

AN: Xie xie to the lovely folk at Project Team Beta, to Love of Escapism and Lulu M for being the master betas of my heart! Song lyrics are SManson and Co's, original story is SMeyer's, all the rest is mine chickadees.

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**Chapter Fourteen: Silence is Golden**

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If I am silent then I am not real  
But if I speak up then no one will hear  
If I wear a mask there's somewhere to hide

Silence is golden  
I have been broken  
Safe in my own skin  
So nobody wins

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Bella,

I saw it. I saw it happening.

As graceful as your namesake, I watched you leap from the cliffs into the stormy ocean, and fly into the rough water below. I waited and waited for your head to float to the surface. Yet, you never came back up.

I am too far away. Too far away to come to your rescue or to do anything except hope that it's not real, that you couldn't really do this to yourself. I looked to see if something would eventually change. It hasn't. Nothing has, and I haven't seen you since.

You're just gone.

Gone.

I can't believe it.

Why? How could you? What about Charlie? Your mom? Would anything or anyone make a difference right now? Or change your mind? Have we messed you up so badly that this was the only way out for you? I can't think of any other reason for you to have done this. I just… I can't… I don't want to believe that this could happen, but it feels all too real.

I promised Edward that I would never see or "look" for you again. I didn't really mean it. I hadn't realized that it would actually come true at the time. If I knew that, I wouldn't have let him bully me into it. I wish I could take it all back. God, you have no idea how I regret everything right now. I never thought it would end like this. Never.

It's times like this that I wish I were human again, just so I could cry, but all I have to give you are my venomous crocodile tears. Those mean nothing. They just prove that, once again, I can't do a damn thing for you.

If there was something I could do to undo this, I would, please know that. Almost anything at all. You were, are, will forever be my best friend. Please know that I love you, and that you will always be my sister, regardless of our blood or your fate.

Bella, please forgive me, even though you have no reason to. I've been an awful friend. I've left you at your time of need. I made promises that I knew I couldn't keep. I let my brother come between us, when I knew I shouldn't have. I'm lying about your fate to my family, so we can go on as normally as we can without you. I am a terrible creature.

My sins against you are damning. I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to support you, and be your friend, but I couldn't. My hands were tied. I know that's a poor excuse. It's pitiful, but it's the truth.

I thought that I would have a chance to make this all up to you someday. I thought we would have plenty of time together. I thought that you would have forever with us. I was wrong… as wrong as I've ever been.

I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm sorry that I can't save you. I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough for you. I'm sorry that I let Edward leave you, and I'm sorry that I let him meet you in the first place. Maybe if I had prevented that, you would be alive now. You would have never known us, but you would still be here. Still breathing and living, not lying six feet under.

Forks will always remind me of you; I don't think I'll ever be able to go back there again. That entire stretch of dark, deep green will be empty without you. I remember how much you hated it there in the beginning, and now the place you despised so much is your burial ground. How could this be?

You were so young, so beautiful. After my many years here, I know that the good and beautiful die young, and that life isn't fair, but platitudes like these don't help when you're grieving. For the first time in my existence, I know what it means to truly feel grief deep into my bones and my heart.

I hate this part of everlasting. I don't know how Carlisle can make mortal friends only to watch them all fade away eventually. It all seems so futile now. I'm certain that I won't do it again. The pain I feel from your loss alone will never go away. It is etched onto me now.

Edward was so adamant about keeping you human. He was so concerned about keeping your soul intact, terrified that if something happened to you, it would be one more black mark against him. It doesn't matter now, none of it matters anymore. Such a fucking waste.

I can't tell anyone what I know. It would tear all of us apart. If Edward knew, he'd go insane with grief. I've seen what happens next, and it cannot come to pass. I will not let it. Losing you is more than enough. I cannot lose my entire family, too. They're all I have now.

Edward needs to believe that you're better off without him, and I will let him, for all of our sakes. For someone who abhors lies, he's let himself believe a colossal one.

When Jasper asks why I'm feeling sad, I'll tell him that I'm thinking of you. It's true enough, believable, not really a lie. He'd understand why he can't know either. The less Cullens who know, the less likely Edward will find out. So, I'm keeping you a secret.

I knew that your love affair with Edward would end in your death, but I thought that your future would be golden eyes and marble skin, not a watery grave. I hoped that you would be with us, with him, for eternity.

I saw it like that so many times, the two of you side by side, finally equals. I thought I knew that you would both get your happy ending eventually, despite Edward's best efforts. I guess we were both wrong.

I'm sorry that I can't pay my final respects to you. I would fill all of Forks with freesia and strawberries if I could, so that the whole town would be smell like you. But I can't. As much as it pains me to do so, I need to step away and carry on as if this didn't happen

This letter will have to suffice. I'll have my own little service for you. Carry my writings out into the forest behind our house and watch the ashes of this paper flutter up into the sky, like winged birds or angels. I can only hope that somehow you'll receive this message.

I know that you will understand. I can't afford to have any more blood on my hands.

I love you. I'll miss you.

Alice


	16. Chapter 15: A Stroke of Luck

AN: Tika hoki to Project Team Beta, Love of Escapism and Lulu M. I don't know where I'd be without y'all. Probably in a corner somewhere, rocking myself, crying…As always, lyrics belong to SManson and Co., original story to SMeyer. The rest is all mine, sugar plums. Don't copy or something bad will happen to you; I've seen it.

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**Chapter Fifteen: A Stroke of Luck**

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Here comes the cold again  
I feel it closing in  
You're falling down and  
All around me falling  
Stroke of luck or a gift from god?  
Hand of fate or devil's claws?  
From below or saints above  
You come to me now

Don't ask me why  
Don't even try

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CLALLAM COUNTY COURIER APRIL 2nd, 2005

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HARRY CLEARWATER, 41

b. November 10, 1965- d. March 31st 2005

Our beloved son, husband, and father who left us too soon, rest in peace.

Mr. Clearwater was a lifelong resident of the Quileute reservation. Since 1995, he taught junior high school math and science classes to over 300 students during his tenure at the La Push School. In 2002, he was honored with the Clallam County's Educator of the Year Award.

As an elder of the local Quileute Nation, he was a widely respected and honored pillar of our community. As an advocate for Environmental Stewardship, he prevented logging on reservation ground and created the Nation's Responsibility for Our Waters Act, ensuring that the area surrounding La Push Beach would be free of pollutants and overfishing.

Harry loved to be out on the water, spending his days off fishing with his best friends since childhood, William Black and Charles Swan. If you could see one of them, the other two were never far behind. He was always curious about how things worked, from space shuttles to atomic particles. A lot of his free time was spent reading scientific journals to keep up with "the ever-changing world around" him.

He leaves behind his loving wife of 20 years, Sue Clearwater, and their children, Leah, 19, and Seth, 14. In lieu of flowers, the Clearwaters respectfully request donations be made to the La Push Community Center in Harry's memory.

Services are to be held this afternoon at the La Push Community Center. All are welcome.

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*ttitkb*ttitkb*ttitikb*

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Bella,

I'm writing you this note because you still won't talk to me. I hope that you find it and don't throw it away. This letter was all Rebecca's idea, by the way, so if you don't like it, you can blame her.

I know that I upset you last week when I couldn't spend time with you. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I had to do pack-things. You said that you understood. We're trying our damnedest to keep you safe, and you're not helping us, honey. Sam, Embry, Paul, Jared, and I are putting ourselves on the line every day to protect you and you jump off a cliff? Really, Bells?

I'm sorry that I left you at the rez all week, but it was the best place for you to be. I know that Dad's not a sparkling conversationalist like I am, and that you had a pretty boring Spring Break, but at least you're still alive. Though based on you earlier actions, I don't know if you're too happy about that.

When I called your house, the Chief said that you're feeling better, which is good. He also said that you were "too busy" to pick up the phone. Getting your dad to lie to me is pretty low, B, but I'm guilty of that too. I guess we both kinda suck then, huh?

I heard that you were back in school, too, so you must be doing all right. I know how important it is to you to not miss gym. Cause anyone any bodily harm lately? If I were you, I'd "accidentally" throw a ball at Newton's head. He deserves it. You could have called me to let me know that you were still alive, just saying.

This isn't what I meant to tell you. I think I'm sounding like a jerk here. What I meant to say is that I would never want to hurt you, and I swear I'm going to try harder not to. I know that you've been hurt enough.

I'm sorry that I took you to the hospital, even though you didn't want me to. I felt like I had no other choice. I was really worried about you, and I didn't want you to end up with hypothermia and die just because you were being stubborn again. You could have been really hurt, Bells, and I didn't want to go to another funeral this week. One was more than enough.

I've listened to you every other time you said you didn't want to go to the E.R.; even when I thought it was a bad idea. Do I get any brownie points for that?

I'm glad that I made you go. You looked like death when I pulled you out of the water. Your lips were blue, and you were shaking like Sam and Emily's house when they think no one's around. It was horrible; I thought that you really had died.

That was the worst moment of my life, Bells, seeing you like that, and thinking that if you were dead, it would be my fault. It was hella scary and I was really afraid. Please promise me you won't ever do that again. If you die, I don't know what Charlie would do. Hell, I don't know what I would do.

What would have happened if I didn't know where to look for you? What if I hadn't gotten there in time? What if the CPR didn't work? What if you had really just disappeared into the waves? I don't even want to think about it, but I keep running the "what if's" through my head like an endless film loop. It's a pretty crappy movie. I don't recommend it.

I still can't believe you did that. You're a smart girl, but that was pretty goddamn stupid. I am definitely going to take at least five years off for that, maybe ten. What the hell were you thinking? I thought you were finally getting better. You _told_ me so yourself, and I was dumb enough to believe you.

I hope that Charlie wasn't too mad with you when he found out what happened. Dad was really pissed at me for a while until Charlie told him it wasn't my fault. Thanks for taking the hit on that one, by the way. Taking personal responsibility adds few years.

That was the first time I think I've ever seen Dad that angry. It was pretty scary. I thought I'd never be let out to see the light of day again. I was getting pretty twitchy under house arrest, actually. There's only so much public access tv a guy can watch before he goes nuts. I sure as shooting know how to paint a landscape though, and I could tell you about every city council meeting that happened these past two weeks. Fascinating stuff.

The Rabbit and I are one again though, and we really want to hang out with you soon. I'm so desperate to see you; I'll even take you out for another riding lesson, as long as you promise me no more head injuries. With all the knocks you get to your brain, I'm surprised you're not a drooling mess yet, seriously. You must have had an enormous amount of brain cells to start out with.

Please, don't stay mad at me. I miss you and I need some help with my homework. Geometry is killing me, and you know what terrible cooks Dad and I are. Call me, kay?

Jake

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AN: Again link to song on my profile. Thanks for reading and all of your great reviews!


	17. Chapter 16: It's All Over But the Crying

AN: Dyakooyu to the awesome peeps at Project Team Beta, especially to the fantabulous betas Love of Escapism and Lulu M who are the wind beneath my wings. Once again, lyrics are SManson and Co's, original characters are SMeyer's. All the rest is mine ma petites chou fleurs.

Thanks for your patience during update fail last week. Emo-ella and I needed to take a break but we're trying to work it out now ;)

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**Chapter 16: It's All Over But the Crying**

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_if I could I would  
I'd change everything  
cause I can't forget you though you don't believe me  
now I can't walk back  
I can't leave behind  
where does it go all the light that we had?_

_everything you think you know baby  
is wrong  
and everything you think you had baby  
is gone_

_baby we're done _

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Edward,

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Seven months have passed without a single word, note, card, or any kind of message from you at all. Seven long fucking months.

I've spent all this time willing for you to return to me. It was a fool's errand for certain. I know better now. I hoped that if I'd wished hard enough, you'd appear again as magically as you did that first time and help my heart start pounding like only you can. Clearly, that's not what happened.

You told me that I was just a distraction for you. Everything you did before that proved otherwise, but your continued silent absence re-enforces your cruel words. I imagined that perhaps you were just trying to let me go as easily as you could, but now it seems that you needn't let go of something you never wanted in the first place. You just let them slip out from between your fingers, nice and easy. As if I never existed.

It's not as if you never existed to me. You were wrong to think that I would forget you so easily. My mementos of our time together are gone, but I still have my memories of you. You couldn't make those disappear like you did with my photos. Looking back on those moments plagues me. Sometimes it is a source of comfort, but more often than not, remembering you just makes me ache.

You are a part of me now, whether you like it or not. That's a part that I have to live with for the rest of my life. Leaving me just means that your physical presence is gone. Your existence in my life is now like a phantom limb that only I can feel and no one can see.

Eventually, I'll be able to look back and not feel as if the center of my chest has a gaping hole. I can feel it shrinking slowly as time passes. I'll remember you and our time together. I'll be able to breathe and see the goodness there, and not be completely overwhelmed by sadness. It is not today, but that day is coming.

It has to.

You said you were no good for me and you were right. You're no good for me like this. Your physical presence may be gone, but your absence lingers over my existence like a specter. I need your ghost to leave me too, so I can carry on. I have to. This half life that I've been living is no life at all.

I did something incredibly stupid a few weeks ago. I had the delusional thought that it would somehow get back to you, and you would come and rescue me out of my despondency. We both know that it didn't turn out that way. However, as foolish as it was, it helped me realize that life is short, at least _mine_ is. Way too short for me to spend it wishing for you to come back. So I'm not going to anymore.

The fact is that jumping off of that cliff was the first thing I've ever done that made me feel really alive. Yeah, part of me did it so I wouldn't be, and I regret that now more than ever. I'm still here though, by an incredible stroke of luck. For awhile, all I wanted was to be like you, so we could be together forever, like some twisted fairy tale. But fairy tales aren't real, and I won't take my life for granted like that anymore.

As cheesy as it sounds, I've decided to live. I've been like an animated corpse ever since you left, which is pretty ironic, considering that was the one thing you didn't want me to become. Yet, here I am, surviving, kind of. I wanted to wait for you, truly I did. But I can't wait forever. I thought I could, but, as it turns out, I'm not you.

I'm so tired. Tired of all of this. Tired of waiting and feeling like something you used up and threw away. You made me feel like this. That isn't love, not really. I may not have a lot of experience, but I know that much at least. I also know that I can't do this anymore. I made the decision that I'm going to get better. I didn't want to, but it's for the best. I need to live for me now.

I miss you like crazy, but I need to live my life, with or without you. My preference is with, but you're gone now. I'm pretty certain that you're never coming back. That hurts. I still love you, still want to be by your side, but I don't know where that is or if you even want me anymore. All signs point to no.

I truly thought that you were 'the one', and I didn't even believe in that sort of nonsense until I met you. Then just as suddenly, you disappeared. If you really were meant for me, I don't think you would have done that. You would have waited, like I did- or tried to. Instead, you just left. You couldn't handle what it really meant for us to be together, and you took the easy way out.

I would never have left you, Edward. I knew the truth about you and your family, and it didn't make me love you any less like you thought it might. I risked everything to be with you. Every second of pain was worth it then when I thought that you were my future. Yet when things got too real for you, you bailed on me. I proved my devotion to you over and over, and it didn't matter. You didn't care enough to stay.

That hurts a lot. It's a little less every day. Maybe one day soon, I'll be able to wake up and not remember my loss first thing in the morning, like a wound that re-opens every time you move in the wrong direction. My favorite part of the day has been for far too long that second between dreaming and wakefulness, right before I recall your vanishing act. That's not enough to live on; believe me, I tried for seven months.

I lost my love, my best friend and my family all at once. I'm entitled to a mourning period. That time in my life is coming to a close though. It has to. What I was doing wasn't living; it was barely existing. It's not enough. Your memory is not enough to keep me alive. I have to move on. It's either that or dig my own grave. You were right; I'm too young to die. I don't want to now. I'm not ready. There's too much left for me to do.

When you left, you vowed not to come back. I really wanted you to break this promise- you broke all the others that you made. I'm writing you now though to ask you to keep it. I don't think I could do this again and come out on the other side. Please stay away, Edward. I know that you're not actually going to ever see this, but I'm asking anyway. I can't lose you for a second time. It would destroy me.

Please. You've already broken me once. If it happens again, I'll die.

I love you. I miss you. If you care for me at all, don't come back.

Bella

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AN: Thank you for reading and all of your awesome reviews!


	18. Chapter 17: Metal Heart

AN: Dziekuje to Project Team Beta and to the lovely and amazing Love of Escapism and Lulu M who teach me how to write good. Lyrics by SManson and Co, characters by SMeyer. No copyright infringement intended. Everything else is mine, sweeties.

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Chapter Seventeen: Metal Heart

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_I want to be dependable, I want to be courageous and good  
I want to be faithful so that I can be heroic and true  
I want to be a friend you can rely on you can lean on and trust  
I want to understand so I can forgive and be willing to love_

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Alice,

I still miss you, my best friend. All I can hope for is that you are happy, and that you want the same thing for me. I don't think I'll ever be able to say this to you in person, so this letter will have to suffice.

I wish I could spend the night at your house instead. We would gossip and I could tell you how I feel about what's been happening in my life, but I know that won't ever be an option again. Your old house is a home for no one, and I don't know where you are right now.

Recognizing that still hurts, though I'm beginning to understand why it had to happen this way. I really need you to be here with me, but you and your family have left Forks, and me, for good.

I'm writing this letter to you anyway, even though I don't know where to send it. Maybe you'll "see" me writing it; maybe you won't. I don't think it would really make a difference, or if anything would at this point. Writing it down helps me feel better about my shifting emotions and thoughts. It's my own catharsis, if you will.

Things have been getting better for me. It took a long time, and for a while I thought that they never would, so it's a relief to learn that I won't always feel like a huge part of me is missing. That gap is shrinking every day, and soon there will just be a scar to mark my first heartbreak.

For the first time in a long time, I can see that I won't feel like this forever. That eventually, I'll be able to hear his name and not cringe, that listening to the radio won't always remind me of my loss. I can imagine myself happy without him. That hurts a bit too, but not as much as spending the rest of my life wanting something I can never have.

Sometimes, I wish that I could hold on to my memories of him so closely that there would be nothing between them and my flesh, so that they couldn't slip away into the ether. Mercifully, those times are getting farther and farther apart. I've learned these past seven months that spending my life like that isn't really living at all, so I'm trying to loosen my tight grip on them, but not forget.

It's a difficult process.

I worried that it won't be enough, that I won't ever be capable of being 'normal' again. At times, I found myself wishing that I had never met any of you, that my life would be free of all of this strange mythology, and that I could just be boring, brown Bella again. I didn't really mean it.

I don't want to go back to how I was before. Like Icarus, I have touched the sun. After getting too close and falling back down to Earth, I was burnt and broken. However, I am much stronger for it now. And I can say that I don't regret it, not for one moment. It was all worth it.

If there was some way to remember every detail without feeling like I re-opened that hole in my chest, I would. That's just not possible right now. I feel bad about it. I want to be able to scroll through my memories of him, you, and your family when I'm eighty because they are some of the happiest moments of my life so far. But it's more important for me to live my life than it is to hold on to this aching sadness. If I don't, the weight of it will crush me.

Making the decision to let go hasn't been easy. It still pains me, so much so that I can't breathe sometimes. I know that I'm getting better. I can feel the wounds knitting together. It's not the path that I would have chosen for myself, but that's true for a lot of things currently. It's the best choice I can make for myself at this moment.

The guilt gnaws at me. I told him that I would wait for him forever, and here I am breaking my promise. He broke some too, though. He said I was the most important thing to him, ever. He pledged not to leave me. He swore to me that he would never hurt me. He lied.

I'm sorry that I'm forgetting you. I wish I didn't have to, but it's necessary. Please try to understand. It's the only way I can move on.

If you were here, I could tell you about Jake. Our fathers are best friends, and when I was younger, I would spend my summers in Forks with him and his sisters. He's been a good friend to me these past few months when I was barely surviving. He's a good guy, but always has the weight of the world on his shoulders. I want to help him with his burden, but I can't.

He's probably one of the most beautiful humans I've ever met. His family is Quileute, and he lives with his father on the reservation. He's very mechanical, a lot like Rosalie, actually. He rebuilt his car from scratch and fixed up the two motorcycles that I found on the side of the road. He's teaching me how to ride mine. He's really smart, even if he doesn't know it yet.

Jake is also incredibly kind. His father, Billy, is in a wheel chair, and Jake takes care of him even though he's only sixteen. He makes sure that they eat properly, and that Billy can get to all of his appointments. He's so giving. He wouldn't like me telling you this because he thinks he isn't doing anything special, but that's exactly why it is so extraordinary.

Although he doesn't acknowledge it, he takes care of me too, though I've never asked it of him. He knows not to ask too many questions or play music in the garage. Jake can let our friendly silence be enough to fill in the quiet space. Sometimes, I think he may know me better than I know myself.

He is my sun; he brightens my day and my self like no one else has before. Without him, I'd still be sitting in the armchair of my room, staring out the window, but not really seeing. He's kept me sane and took care of me when I had no one else who could. He's watched me fall apart and was there to help me put the pieces back together. He holds me when I cry and when I celebrate. He supports me in ways that your brother never could. And I am grateful for that, for him.

Jake is truly good for me. Way more than I deserve. I don't know where we're headed. I'm far too broken at the moment to be anything to him, but it's liberating to be able to want that again with someone else. I was afraid that I was irreparably damaged, but I know now that's not true. Damaged yes, but not without the possibility for redemption.

I'm starting to think about going away for school. I never really gave it much thought before. I didn't want to leave Forks, thinking that your family might return. Now, I find myself thinking of ivied brick buildings, leaves turning colors, and crisp air. It's pretty late to start applying for colleges, but I'm going to try anyway. I think I need a change of scenery, and attending university is suddenly very appealing.

There are so many memories here that tug at me constantly. Leaving this place might make it easier for me. I'll miss Charlie, but I can't continue to see or hear ghosts wherever I go. It's not healthy. I want to be better. I need to be better.

Please try to understand.

Love,

Bella


	19. Chapter 18: The World is Not Enough

AN: Kiitoksia to Project Team Beta, Loveofescapism and Lulu M. I say this every time, and I mean it more with each chapter, but you ladies rock my world, _serio_ yo.

As always, lyrics are SManson and Co.'s, original characters are SMeyer's. The rest is mine, sugs.

Hey, did y'all notice my itty-bitty o/s? It's for PTB's The Life and Times of Bree Tanner challenge. I'd love to know what you think…

On with the show!

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**Chapter 18: The World is Not Enough**

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_I know how to hurt  
I know how to heal  
I know what to show  
and what to conceal  
I know when to talk  
and I know when to touch  
no one ever died from wanting too much_

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Hey B, are we still on for Friday?

_Yeah, Ang. Movie and dinner in P.A.?_

Yup, yup. Is Jake coming?

_That depends. Is Ben?_

I dunno. I mentioned it to him, but he hasn't decided yet. He might just stay in Forks and hang out with Tyler and the rest of the guys.

_Let me know when he decides, okay?_

Sure. Why so interested?

_Well, if he doesn't come, then I'll ask Jake if he wants to go with us. _

Why?

_If it's you and Ben, then it's me and Jake. That's too double date-y. I don't want him to get the wrong idea. _

You know that it doesn't matter if Ben comes or not right? Jake's had the 'wrong idea' for a while now…

_I know. I just don't want to make it worse._

I don't see how that's possible.

_Tell me how you really feel, Angela._

Seriously, Bella? 1) He's gorgeous, 2) the two of you are connected at the hip, 3) he's completely in love with you, and 4) did I mention he's gorgeous? I don't see what the problem is here.

_The problem is that I'm moving over 2,000 miles away in less than three months. He's not finished with high school yet, and he's my best friend._

So?

_I've already lost a best friend this year. I'm not keen on doing it again._

You don't know that's what's going to happen.

_You don't know that's what's NOT going to happen._

Okay. I know you got hurt. And it sucked. A lot. But does that mean you're never going to be with someone again? Because that would suck a lot, too.

_Pre-psych, right?_

Maybe.

_I don't think they let psychologists use the word 'suck' in therapy._

Good thing I'm not a psychologist, yet, then. And how would you know anyway?

_A few months ago, I went to one for a bit. You remember what a mess I was. Charlie and Mom made me go. I resisted because I thought it wouldn't help, but it really did. _

Oh, crap. I didn't know. I'm sorry; you must think I'm a jerk.

_Nope. Don't worry about it._

Still friends?

_Always. By the way, if we get caught passing notes, I'm blaming you. That can be your penance._

Go ahead. My dad is Banner's minister.

_Damn. You're playing the minister card again?_

Why not? It works like a charm, every freaking time.

_Why not, indeed? It's the perfect cover, isn't it? Who can tell that underneath that mild-mannered exterior, you're like some naughty teenage super-hero?_

Ben can. Why do you think he fell for me?

_Touché, my friend, touché._

So, I guess you decided what school you're going to if you know exactly how far away you're going to be from Jake.

_I don't know exactly how far; it was a rough estimate. And, no, I don't know where I'm going yet. It's between Brown and Emory now. They both have great writing programs, and they've both offered me scholarships. Mom wants me to go to Emory because it's closer to her and Phil, but there's definitely an appeal to the Ivy League that I can't deny. I need to decide soon though._

That's awesome Bella! I'm so happy for you!

_So you and Ben are going to UW in Seattle, yeah?_

Yup. Ben was worried because he hadn't heard back yet, but he just got his letter this week.

_That's great. _

I know!He was such a nervous wreck before. He was even making me anxious. I'm glad we can all relax now.

_I still can't believe we just have six more weeks of school. When I first moved here, two years felt like a prison sentence, and now it's almost over._

Ha! Sometimes it still feels like a prison sentence, and I've lived here my whole life.

_I'm starting to think I might miss it a bit. Leaving will be good, but I'm worried that Charlie will be lonely._

He lived by himself for fifteen years; I think he'll be fine. It makes me a little sad that I won't be able to see my brothers everyday. They drive me crazy, but I'll miss the little snots.

_At least you won't have to worry about their snake escaping and ending up in your closet again._

Well, that I won't miss. Ugh, I'm going to have nightmares about it again, now. Thanks.

_Anytime. Glad I could help._

Can I ask you for a favor?

_Again? How many 'sleepovers' can one girl have? Your dad is probably getting suspicious._

Naw, he trusts me. It'll be the last time! I swear!

_That's exactly what you said last time, too._

But I mean it this time!

_Okay, yeah, fine. The sacrifices I make for you. _

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

_Sure, sure. Do Ben's parents know that you stay over when they go away for the weekend?_

I'm pretty certain his dad does. Ben got another 'talk' last week.

_Oh my. What number are they on now?_

I don't know, too many to keep track of. At least I wasn't there this time, thank goodness. I think his mom just pretends not to know.

_Where are they going this time?_

Another camping trip.

_How long are they going to be gone?_

They come back on Sunday.

_Just in time for you to go to church with the fam?_

You know it.

_You and Ben owe me, big time._

We'll name our first born after you, boy or girl.

_Poor kid. Just don't have one in nine months, okay? _

As my dad says, 'from your mouth to God's ears'.

_I don't think God or your father should be mentioned in a conversation about your love life._

Ugh. You're right; I take it all back. Hey! Speaking of love lives…

_I thought we dropped this._

_Au contraire_. You did; I didn't.

_When will you let this go? You'd think that eventually you'd get tired of asking._

Nope. I know that you're into him, too. You can't hide it. I saw the way you were looking at him at the beach last weekend.

_Yeah, so what? He looks nice in swim trunks. _

So does Ben, but you weren't looking at him like that.

_No offense, Ang, but Ben's not my type._

O ho! So you admit that Jake's your type then?

_You're tricky, you know that?_

The trickiest. So you're leaving, so what? That doesn't mean you can't get any smooches in before you go, right?

_Wrong. That's exactly what it means._

But whhhhy?

_Because I don't want to hurt him. Because I don't think we can do that and walk away from each other. Because I think it's a bad idea. Because I'm not ready. I'm still a bit broken. _

He doesn't care about that.

_I do. He deserves better; someone fresh and shiny and new._

But he doesn't want that. He wants you.

_Gee, thanks._

You know what I mean.

_Yeah, I do._

It's been 8 months since they left, Bella.

_I know. I've counted, too._

But soon, yeah?

_Yeah, soon._


	20. Chapter 19: Run, Baby, Run

**AN: **Jag tackar always to Project Team Beta, Love of Escapism and Lulu M, who for some reason spend their free time going over this with a fine-tooth comb. And thanks to you, readers, for spending your time reading my words. I know there's a lot of fic out there and I appreciate you choosing to follow this.

As per usual, lyrics are SManson and Co.'s, original characters are SMeyer's. The rest is mine, kidlets.

You may have missed 'em, but I just posted two o/s these past few weeks, which explains the update fail here and makes up for it, I hope.

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**Chapter Nineteen: Run, Baby, Run**

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Find out who you are before you regret it  
Cause life is so short there's no time to waste it

So run my baby run my baby run

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CLALLAM COUNTY COURIER JUNE 12th, 2005

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE CLASS OF 2005!

The staff at the _Courier_ extends our hearty congratulations to the graduating class of 2005, our biggest class yet! Our community is very proud of all of you and wishes you nothing but the best in your future endeavors.

In _Courier_ tradition, we have printed below the list of students who will be leaving the county to go to college. We'll miss you and hope to see you back home soon!

Ben Cheney (University of Washington, Seattle)

Leah Clearwater (University of British Columbia)

Tyler Crowley (University of Southern California)

Rebecca Love (University of Glasgow)

Monika Lu (American University)

Stephen Meyer (Brigham Young University, Utah)

Jessica Stanley (Washington State University, Spokane)

Bella Swan (Brown University)

Angela Weber (University of Washington, Seattle)

Eric Yorkie (University of California, Los Angeles)

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*ttitkb*ttitkb*ttitkb*

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Renee,

I thought you'd like a copy of this. I know it's just the local rag, but it made me proud to see our girl's name printed in the paper. I have the feeling we'll see it a lot more in the future.

So Bee's scholarship covers her tuition, but none of her living expenses. I thought that we could figure it out and just split it down the middle. Let me know what you and Phil think of that idea.

I also just wanted to say thank you for raising Bella to be such a strong and independent young woman. Her childhood wasn't how I thought it would turn out, but I'm glad that I got to spend these last two years getting to know her better. Thank you for letting her go to come and live here with me. I know it must have been difficult for you to send her off like that. I'm grateful that I got the chance to be her dad and a part of her life again.

I'll mail you pictures of graduation, if Bell will let me take any.

Tell Phil to get well soon.

Charlie

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*ttitkb*ttitkb*ttitkb*

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From: Renee Dwyer (FLsugamomma72 (at) yahoo . com)  
To: Charlie Swan (CharlieSwan (at) gmail . com)  
Date June 16th, 2005 at 9:13pm EST

Charlie,

Thanks for sending that news clipping. I'm so proud of our baby! It feels like just yesterday we took her home from the hospital, and now she's finishing high school and going to college.

I wish we could be there to see Bella wear that horrible cap and gown, but pictures will have to do. I told Phil the next time he breaks a leg, he's on his own.

I think your idea of splitting costs is fair. I trust Bella to come up with her own allowance. She definitely knows how to balance checkbooks, my middle-aged daughter. She's so self-sufficient, even when she was a child. It's a little scary.

Going away to school was the best decision she could have made. We'll both miss her, but it will be a good experience for her, I think. Brown will be a new place for her to start over in. I'm glad that we don't have to worry about her going too crazy when she's off at school. Though, I do think a little crazy would do her some good…

I miss her so much, Charlie. I was really disappointed when I realized that I couldn't be there on her big day. She'll probably be too busy with her friends during the summer to want to come out here for a visit.

I've decided that since I'm missing graduation, I'm going to fly up to Providence when Bell comes in. I want to help her set up and get adjusted to her new place. That way we can get in some mother-daughter bonding time. I can also let you know that she's arrived and is safe, so you don't have to worry too much. Though, I'm pretty certain that you're going to worry no matter what.

Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. And thank you for being her rock when I couldn't be there for my baby girl. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you. I just saw her for that week and it broke my heart. You lived with her when she was like that for months. I couldn't have done it, so thank you, again.

I'm glad that she knows you better now and that you got to be an active part in her life again. Despite the odds, we did good, old man. I'm proud of us.

Take care, Charlie.

Renee


	21. Chapter 20: Can't Cry These Tears

**AN**: Obrigada to the fabulous Project Team Beta and the even more super fantastic Lulu M and Nowforruin for being betas extraordinaires. Kisses to Love, always.

Once again, lyrics SManson and Co's, original characters SMeyer's. The words are mine though bbs.

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**Chapter Twenty: Can't Cry These Tears**

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_There was a time I thought I'd die  
If you should ever leave me high and dry  
Now you don't want me any more  
It's time to settle the score_

_I just don't care anymore  
I've reached the end of my tether  
I've torn all your letters up  
I just don't care anymore  
Won't cry these tears anymore  
I just don't care anymore  
I've reached the end of my rope  
And it's time that I told you so  
I just don't care anymore  
Won't cry these tears anymore._

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Edward,

One year. It's hard to believe. Sometimes it feels just like yesterday, but other times it feels like it was lifetimes ago. I'm mailing this to your old address, along with all of the other letters I wrote to you. Maybe it will reach you one day, maybe not, but I don't want them anymore. I can't reread them even one more time, as if I'm peeling at the scab to see if it's healed over or not. What's done is done.

I left Forks, finally. I never thought I would, but now that I'm here, I'm glad. Physical distance is giving me some perspective that time couldn't. It is wonderfully small-town free. I'm not the Chief's daughter here, or the Cullens' reject, and I like that kind of anonymity. It's very liberating.

My new identity as Bella Swan, college freshman, is coming along nicely. To my fellow classmates, I'm a new and exciting person. Instead of being the weird, depressed girl who reads old books, like I was back home, I am the smart, quiet girl who reads too many books. Some things never change, I guess.

Despite this, past habits still simmer under the surface. I'm not as different as I want to be. When I let my mind wander, it still hones in on my memories of you. It hurts less, but that persistent ache gently throbs in my chest, a sore reminder of my loss. As if I could ever escape it, that hole that you made when you left is barely visible. But I can still feel it, like an invisible pebble in my shoe. I wonder if it will ever go away, I find that possibility both terrifying and comforting.

Night is when I allow myself to think of you. I try to make the daylight my time, but right before I go to bed, I give myself a moment to remember. When we were together and you would sneak into my bedroom used to my favorite part of the day. It was our time, those hazy moments between sleeping and wakefulness when I wasn't sure if you were really by my side, or if it was all dream. I know which it is now, mostly.

At least I don't cry out in my sleep anymore. That was not a conversation I was looking forward to having with my new roommate. I can only imagine how well that would go over. "By the by, if you ever hear me screaming in the middle of the night, just ignore it. I have bad dreams." I still have them sometimes, but I've gotten so used to it that they don't have the same affect on me.

I lost a whole year of pop culture during my fugue state. Ang tells me I didn't miss much, which is probably true, but I still feel like I'm not quite fitting in. I never really did though with anyone, no matter where or who I was, so I guess it's no different than before. I'm just more sensitive to it now.

I'm trying to get accustomed to hearing music again. It's hard not to here. Everyone wants everyone else to know how cool they are by playing their stereos as loud as they can stand it, which is about five decibels higher than I want to hear it. And it's always crap, always. You would hate it. No one ever plays Debussy at top volume. Maybe my mom is right, and I really am middle-aged.

Twelve months on, and I still miss Alice a lot. Not a day goes by without me wanting to tell her about something I heard or saw, only to remember that I can't. One would think after being abandoned by my best friend that I'd be angry. I am. But I miss her over-the-top affection and her enthusiasm for everything. I don't think I'll ever meet anyone like her again.

You took her from me, Edward. I hope she gave you hell for that and wasn't entirely complicit in your family's disappearance from Forks. That would hurt me more than her absence, her willingly leaving me behind like that. If you do ever get this, please tell her I often think of her.

I'm thinking of all of you, more than I want to. I wish that I didn't. I wish that every bronze-haired head didn't turn mine, hoping that it's, impossibly, yours. I wish that I could finally stop musing over you and the impact you've had on me. Sometimes, I wish that I never met you in the first place. Everything would be so much easier, if that were true.

Instead, I'm here, alone. I've stopped waiting for you. I know that you're never coming back. You're too much of a coward for that. I used to think how brave and strong you were for everything that you denied yourself. I don't think that's true anymore.

You're afraid of your own shadow, Edward. You were so scared of what I could mean to you that instead of facing it head on, like a man, you ran away from me with your tail between your legs. I couldn't see this then. I was too blinded by your glitter, but I sure as hell see it now.

When we were together, I thought I could see our future laid out in front of us, like a clear path from Point A to Point B. I wasn't foolish enough to think that there wouldn't be any barriers, but ultimately, I believed that we would get our happily ever after. I was naïve enough to think it was that simple, and that you thought the same way. Now, I realize that we never had a future together. You made sure of that. I'm not certain whether or not I should be grateful.

I hope that you're happy, wherever you are. I really mean it. Somehow, I doubt it though. You enjoy being unhappy too much. If I had only known this before, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. It's too late for that now.

My mom keeps on telling me it's all part of growing up, that all of these experiences will help me be better person. I know in my head that she's right, but my heart is unwilling to acknowledge this; it wants what it wants. And despite my best efforts and everything else that's happened, a small part of it–that refuses to be reasoned with–still wants you, goddamnit.

I don't, though. Please don't find me. I'm done.

Bella


	22. Chapter 21: Only Happy When It Rains

AN: Dank u wel Project Team Beta and the wonder team of Lulu M, Love of Escapism, and nowforruin. This story would be much poorer without your tough love, red ink and encouragement, ladies, and so would I.

.

Lyrics belong to SManson and Co. Original characters are SMeyer's. No copyright infringement intended. The words are mine though, chickies.

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**Chapter Twenty-One: Only Happy When It Rains**

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I'm only happy when it rains  
I'm only happy when it's complicated  
And though I know you can't appreciate it  
I'm only happy when it rains  
You know I love it when the news is bad  
And why it feels so good to feel so sad  
I'm only happy when it rains

Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me  
Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me

I'm only happy when it rains  
I feel good when things are going wrong  
I only listen to the sad sad songs  
I'm only happy when it rains

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To: Bella Swan (bellaswan88 (at) gmail (dot) com)  
From: Renee Dwyer (FLsugamomma72 (at) yahoo (dot) com)  
Date: February 12th, 2006, 3:54 pm EST

Bella Bug,

Haven't heard from you in a while, so just checking in to make sure you're still alive.

Phil just got back from Spring Training. He said Puerto Rico was great. I really wanted to go with him but I couldn't because of my grown-up job. I'm glad I'm not a sub anymore, but I do miss being able to leave whenever I felt like it. Growing up can suck sometimes, kid. I don't recommend it. Don't tell Charlie I said that, by the way.

How are you holding up in that weather? The report said it was snowing again. I still don't know how you can stand it. I hope you're bundling up and wearing your snow boots. You'll need all of those toes for later.

I just realized that it's been more than six months since I saw you last. That's more than half of a year! We really missed you at Christmas, sweetheart. I understand why you went to Forks, but Charlie needs to share better. have decided that you are coming here for your Spring Break. What more could a hard-working student want than a vacation on the beach?

Of course, your new boyfriend (is his name Todd? I can't remember) is invited to come, too. I barely got to meet the first one, so you should bring this one with you. I want to meet this young man so I can be a mom and give my seal of approval.

Let me know how many are coming, so we can get y'all tickets. Talk to you soon.

Love,

Mama

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*ttitkb*ttitkb*ttitkb*

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Odette88: *sigh*

_._

_SpydrGrl42: What's up?_

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Odette88: I think I'm just going to end up a crazy cat lady.

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_SpydrGrl42: Okay, me too._

_._

Odette88: Nope. No can do.

_._

_SpydrGrl42: Why not?_

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Odette88: 1) You hate cats.

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_SpydrGrl42: So do you._

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Odette88: I can learn to like them.

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_SpydrGrl42: You're allergic._

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Odette88: So?

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_SpydrGrl42: Is there more to this list, or are we just randomly numbering statements now? #9?_

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Odette88: Well, if you didn't keep on interrupting my train of thought this would go a lot more smoothly. 2) You have Ben.

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_SpydrGrl42: I fail to see your point._

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Odette88: It is a known fact that one cannot be a crazy cat lady if one is married.

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_SpydrGrl42: Grandma Weber respectfully disagrees with you. And I'm not married._

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Odette88: Yet. You're not married yet.

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_SpydrGrl42: Is there a specific reason we're going to end up knitting socks for goldfish?_

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Odette88: ... um, no?

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_SpydrGrl42: No use hiding secrets from me. You're a terrible liar. Spill. _

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Odette88: We broke up.

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_SpydrGrl42: Oh, honey. I'm sorry. When?_

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Odette88: On Tuesday.

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_SpydrGrl42: Valentine's Day? _

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Odette88: Yeah. It doesn't matter. I never liked that stupid holiday anyway. It's a scam.

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_SpydrGrl42: Well, yeah it is. But I'm not ever going to say "no" to free chocolates and flowers. What happened? _

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Odette88: He thought I was cheating on him.

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_SpydrGril42: Were you?_

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Odette88: … Seriously?

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_SpydrGrl42: I had to ask._

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Odette88: No. I barely have enough time to go to school and work as it is. Then he thought I was a lesbian.

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_SpydrGrl42: Hee. That's funny. Wait, hold up. Not like it matters, but are you?_

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Odette88: Not the last time I checked, no.

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_Spydr42: Then why the break up?_

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Odette88: He wanted more, and I couldn't give it to him.

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_SpydrGrl42: More of what? I swear if you mean what I think you mean that boy is lucky I live across the country. Else he'd be dead right now._

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Odette88: Whoa, tiger. It wasn't like that. He's a nice guy, and you have a dirty mind.

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_SpydrGrl42: Pretty much, yeah. By the by, nice guys don't dump their girlfriends on V-Day._

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_SpydrGrl42: Sorry, that was a jerky thing to say. You still there?_

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Odette88: Yeah.

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_SpydrGrl42: How are you doing? Really?_

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Odette88: I'm okay.

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_SpydrGrl42. Don't lie to me, B._

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Odette88: No, really. I'm fine.

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_SpydrGrl42: You're not fine. If you were "fine," you wouldn't say "I'm fine."_

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Odette88: I didn't even like him that much.

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_SpydrGrl42: Then why were you with him in the first place?_

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Odette88: Just to see if I could, you know, be with someone.

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_SpyderGrl42: And?_

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Odette88: He knew. I didn't tell him anything. He just knew.

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_SpydrGrl42: Knew what?_

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Odette88: That I wasn't really there. That I was always thinking of someone else.

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_SpydrGrl42: Was it Jake?_

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Odette88: I never thought I would say this, but my life would be so much easier if the answer to that question was yes. Jake would have made sense. I wouldn't feel like I do if it was Jake I was thinking about. Gah, this is so pathetic. I'm so pathetic.

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_SpydrGrl42: *sigh* I wish I was there to bring you a JT's chocolate double dip._

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Odette88: With sprinkles?

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_SpydrGrl42: Of course! Only the best for you, sweet cheeks._

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Odette88: Thanks. I accept your virtual ice cream.

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_SpydrGrl42: It will get better._

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Odette88: That's what everyone keeps saying.

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_SpydrGrl42: If only I could wave my magic wand and make it so._

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Odette88: You've been holding out on me! I knew it!

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_SpydrGrl42: No, just reading too much _HP_. Chemistry was frying my brain._

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Odette88: *sigh*

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_SpydrGrl42: I know, sweetie. I'm sorry._

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Odette88: : I feel like this fog has been hanging over me for so long that we're friends now. I need some sunshine. What are your Spring Break plans?

.

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*ttitkb*ttitkb*ttitkb*

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To: Renee Dwyer (FLsugamomma72 (at) yahoo (dot) com)  
From: Bella Swan (bellaswan88 (at) gmail (dot) com)  
Date: February 16th, 2006, 10:23 pm EST

Mom,

Thanks for the invite. Spending a week by the shore sounds great, actually. Maybe I'll even turn a shade darker than ivory. Doubt it.

Is it okay if I bring Angela instead? Theo and I aren't seeing each other anymore. Sorry you missed your chance to act like a mom. Next time.

I promise I'll tell you what happened. Just not right now. Okay?

Love,

B

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*ttitkb*ttitkb*ttitkb*

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To: Bella Swan (bellaswan88 (at) gmail (dot) com)  
From: Jake Black (alphadawg89 (at) gmail (dot) com)  
Date: February 20th, 2006 3:24 PM PST

.

Hey Bells,

I'm doing good. How are you? Have you turned into a popsicle yet? Charlie said it was pretty cold where you were. If I was there, I could keep you warm, just saying.

I'm glad you like the bracelet I made. I just wanted you to have something that reminded you of home.

Things here aren't so good. The winter's been really bad for Dad, and Rachel moved in to help out. She doesn't really want to be here, and I don't really want her here either, but we're trying to get along for Dad's sake. Also, she and Paul started dating, so he's over all the time. I think he makes me crazier than she does.

I was bummed to hear that you're not coming for a visit in spring, but I'm sure Florida sounds a lot nicer than cold, wet Forks to you right now.

That Theo guy is an ass. You deserve better. When I fly out to warm you up, I can punch him for you, if you like.

Gotta go. I'm over my time limit and the librarian's giving me dirty looks.

J

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Epic AN: Just a little note here. I donated a one shot to Project Team Beta's Smut University fundraiser. A minimum donation of just $5 (I know!) to support public education gets you 13 fabulous smutty stories. Please, help us reach our goal of 2K. It really is for a good cause. Think of the children! The deadline to donate is September 20th 2010. Info here: http :/ www(dot) projectteambeta (dot) com / sufundraiser Tell 'em I sent ya ;)

BREAKING NEWS! I was nominated for two (!) Hidden Star Awards. Best Canon and Best Non-NC-17. Golly. No really, thank you so much. First Round of voting starts September 10th and goes until the 14th. Link: http:/thehiddenstarawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com/p/not-yet-but-add-us-so-you-will-recieve(dot)html


	23. Chapter 22: Drive You Home

AN: Mange tak to Project Team Beta and the amazing beta team of LoveofEscapism, Lulu M and nowforruin. Y'all are the wind beneath my wings.

As per usual lyrics are SManson and Co's, original characters are SMeyers. No copyright infringement intended. The rest is all mine, mwahahaha!

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Chapter 22: Drive You Home

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_It's funny how  
Even now  
You still support me after all of the things that I've done  
You're so good to me  
Waiting patiently  
And isn't it sad that you still have to ask if I care?_

_I never said I was perfect  
But I can take you away._

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CLALLAM COUNTY COURRIER, October 23rd, 2006

WILLIAM BLACK, 43

b. March 18th, 1963 d. October 22nd, 2006

He departs this world to join his wife, Sarah, and he is survived by their children Rachel (Paul), Rebecca (Kahi), and Jacob.

Mr. Black was a pillar in the La Push community. A life-long resident, he served his people as a tribal elder and as a father figure to many of the young people of his Nation. He was always willing to lend an ear, tell the story of the Raven, or teach a young person how to cast a line.

A wise man, he was a vocal proponent for independence, both tribal and individual, and was often heard quoting the Chinese proverb, "Give a man a fish; feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish; feed him for a lifetime."

Billy, as he was most known by, felt a strong connection to the Pacific Ocean. He lived his life beside it and could predict the weather just by looking out on the water. He loved to spend his time on his boat, on the waves, "communing with the fish," most often with his best friend, Charles Swan.

"He was the glue that held our community together," says tribal leader, Sue Clearwater. She continues, "We are much poorer off without him. Billy will be missed by us all."

Services will be held in the La Push Community Center on November 5th. All are welcome.

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To: Charlie Swan (Charlie (dot) Swan (at) gmail (dot) com)

Fr: Bella Swan (bellaswan88 (at) gmail (dot) com

Date: October 23th, 2006 5:31 PM EST

Dad,

I just got your message. I'm sorry I didn't pick up when you called. I was in class all day and now you're at work. I assume you check your e-mail there.

I am so sorry to hear about Billy. He was like the uncle I never had. You were a good friend to him.

I'd like to fly out for the funeral. I want to be there for you and Jake. Do you think you could pick me up at the airport? If not, I'll ask Angela.

I love you, Dad. I'll see you soon.

Bella

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*ttitkb*ttitkb*ttitkb*

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To: Jake Black (alphadawg89 (at) gmail (dot) com

Fr: Bella Swan (bellaswan88 (at) gmail (dot) com

Date: October 23rd, 2006, 5:37 PM EST

Jake,

Charlie just told me about Billy. I'm so, so sorry. I tried calling, but I think you're either really busy, or the phone was cut off again because no one picked up. I'd really like to talk with you, give me a call back when you get a chance.

I know that nothing I can say will make you feel better or change anything in any way, but I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and your sisters.

I wish I had known how bad things really were. You and Charlie did too good of a job making sure that I wouldn't worry. If there is anything at all that any of you need, let me know. Please. I want to help in anyway that I can.

This all sounds so trite, but I mean every word of it. Billy was like my dad, too. I remember once he told me that I was his fourth kid. I was there so much with you. He was such a great father. We were so lucky to have him.

God, it's hard to believe I won't ever see him again. Using the past tense to describe him feels wrong and hurts more than I thought it would. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. I would give anything to be there with you.

I'm coming out for the service. Don't even tell me not to. Yes, it's far, and yes, I'm going to miss some classes. It's okay. It's important; you're important. I want to say good-bye to him. I'll miss him, too. He was a good man. You take after him.

You know that there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. You're my best friend. I've said it before, but you saved me. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. Let me take care of you now, okay?

If I don't hear from you by tonight, I'll try calling you at the house again. I'll be there as soon as I can.

Love,

Bella

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*ttitkb*ttitkb*ttitkb*

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To: Angela Weber (spydrgrl42 (at) gmail (dot) com)

From: Bella Swan (bellaswan88 (at) gmail (dot) com)

Date: October 23rd, 2006, 5:43 PM EST

Ang,

Bad news. I don't know if you heard or not, but Jake's dad died, diabetes complications. Poor Jake. I really wish that I could be there right now with him. I feel like such a crap friend, being so far away.

I'm flying out for the funeral, so I'll be in town all of next week, if you want to get together. I'd love to see you and your new fiancé (!) if you're free.

B

P.S. I might need a ride from the airport. I can pay you in love, affection and orange Tootsie Pops.

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**AN:** Have you purchased your Smut Yearbook yet? A minimum donation of $5 gets you a fabulous book filled with naughtiness. One of which is written by yours truly. Go here to get your copy: http:/www (dot) projectteambeta (dot) com/sufundraiser

Also, I am humbled and honored to be nominated for three Hidden Star Awards: Best Canon, Best Non NC-17 and Best Author. The first round of voting ends September 14th. Please vote here: http:/thehiddenstarawards (dot) blogspot (dot) com


	24. Chapter 23: So Like a Rose

AN: Dakujem to the fab Project Team Beta and the best beta team a girl could ever want: LoveofEscapism, Lulu M, and nowforruin. Y'all are the cheese to my macaroni.

Lyrics by SManson and Co, original characters by SMeyer. No copyright infringement intended. The rest is all mine, sweet peas!

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**Chapter 23: So Like a Rose**

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_Sleeping with ghosts_  
_It's such a lonely experience_  
_The stars are out tonight_  
_Only they can hear you breathing_

_You're so like a rose_  
_I wish you could stay here_

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Alice,

It's been three years since you've been gone. I can't believe it. You've been out of my life for four times as long as you were ever in it. Yet, I still think of you. Hell, I'm writing you this; despite the fact that I know you'll never receive it. I'm not planning on sending it, but maybe you'll be able to read it anyway? I wonder if you can still "see" me or not.

So much has happened since you've been gone. I've mourned, moved away, and finally moved on. A small piece of me still wants you to have experienced it all with me. You were such an important part of my life once. I can't help but think that you wanted to stay and be there for me. That you genuinely would have liked to see what would have unfolded next, as if you didn't know.

I used to be so angry with you, furiously so. Every time I'd think of you, my heart would pound, my fists would clench, and I would have to take a few deep breaths to calm myself down. The rage would build up inside me until I felt like punching the walls; it was terrible. I hated feeling that way- furious, and yet totally powerless.

Sometimes I was so irate that it physically hurt. My whole body would clench up, and I'd be sore for days afterward. Because how could you have left me like that? Now, I think that it hurt you as much as it did me. Sadly, that makes me feel a little bit better. Schadenfreude much?

The worst part of all of this was that I couldn't control it, as much as I tried. Something would happen to me, and I would think that I'd have to remember it to share with you later. Then I would recall that that was impossible. The intense ire would come then the crushing sadness would wash over me. These extremes made me feel like I was on some kind of sadistic roller coaster.

I still think of things that I want to tell you occasionally, but not nearly as often. Most of the time, you're more of a pleasant-if somewhat faded-memory than a present part of my life now. It makes sense that way. It's a lot easier. However, you do hang in the back of my thoughts, and sometimes it feels as if you've never left.

You were the first real friend I ever had. We could talk about anything, and when I needed you the most, you were gone. I wish that you had sent me a note, or called me one last time and explained what had happened. Perhaps I could have let go more easily if I had known where you were, or perhaps not.

Once in a while, I wonder what you're up to. Where you and Jasper are, how you're doing. Sometimes I want to pick up the phone and call you for a chat, but that's obviously not possible. I don't even know where I could send this letter, let alone your current phone number, if you even have one.

I don't think we'll ever see each other again. That thought used to make my heart ache, but I know that it's probably better this way, for many reasons.

I wish that wasn't true.

Instead of being a point of darkness in my memory, like you once were, I can look back and see you for what you really were to me; a new friend who helped me navigate what was my bewildering life for a time. I will always be grateful to you for being my light in the dark when I needed one. I'm sorry that I never got the chance be the same for you.

I'm so much better now. Time and distance have really helped me see things more clearly. I never thought that I'd be able to move on, but I was wrong. Thank goodness. If I had spent the rest of my life like that… well. It would have been a painfully short and brutal one. I barely survived.

I wasn't really living then after your family left. I breathed and slept and ate, but I was practically dead. I wished for it to really happen, so the wretched person I had become would be freed of that horrible weight of loss. God, I even tried to make it happen once. But I was rescued, in more ways than one, from myself.

After I learned to let you in, letting others in became so much easier. You helped me break down my walls and be more open. I have so many people in my life right now, people that I care about, that I can rely upon. It's a good feeling, and that couldn't have happened without you. You helped me evolve into a better person. Thank you.

You probably know all of this already. More than likely, you also know that I've fallen for someone else. This time around, we just belong together. There's no struggle, no angst, no twisting myself around in knots to make sure that I fit in. I used to think that was what love was. I was wrong. Being with him is as easy as breathing.

I understand now why you had to go. If I was forced to choose between my family and my love, or my friend, I know who I would pick. It would be a difficult decision, but I would make it all the same, just as you did.

This is the last letter I will write to you. I wanted to tell you that I forgive you. I love you.

Always,

Bella

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AN: Just two chapters and epilogue left, dearies. Any theories about what's going to happen? I'd love to hear them.


	25. Chapter 24: Deadwood

AN: Nagyon köszönöm to Project Team Beta and my crack team of LoveofEscapism, Lulu M, and nowforruin. I really cannot say how grateful I am to them enough.

As always, lyrics are SManson and Co's, original characters are SMeyers. No copyright infringement intended, ever. All the rest is mine.

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**Chapter 24: Deadwood**

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_Look me in the eye_  
_I'm about to dive_  
_Can you live your life_  
_without me?_

_I don't need you anymore_  
_I can't use you anymore_  
_Killing the fire_

_And you kill my desire_  
_I don't need you anymore_

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Edward,

This is it. I never got to say good bye to you, so I am now, six years after the fact. You can consider this our awkward post-break-up conversation, however one-sided it may be. I wish it didn't have to be like this, but I understand why.

Part of me thinks it's ridiculous that I'm still writing to you. You are never going to read this, and yet I am compelled to put these words on paper nonetheless. I need to get this out into the universe, as Renee would say. Don't worry, this is the very last one; I promise, and just like you, I keep my promises.

Today is the last day I'm planning on calling Forks home for a long time, and I've decided to visit your old home. I'm probably one of the few people in town who still knows it's there. The road is entirely hidden and the house itself is barely identifiable. If someone were to pass by it, they could hardly recognize it as a house now. It's entirely taken over by the surrounding forest, so it's been reclaimed by nature, where it always belonged.

God, I loved that house. It always seemed like it was straight out of some fairy tale, gingerbread trim and happily-ever-afters. It's all too good too be true. Seeing it like this makes me wonder where your perfect family is, if they are, just like this house, falling apart. I hope not.

I was always attracted to, forgive me, how you all sparkled among the rest of us. I'd like to think that you're just somewhere else doing the exact same thing. I've imagined it so often that I almost think I've willed it to be true. I can picture Rosalie still turning heads, Esme and Carlisle being so kind, and Alice brimming over with her special kind of energy.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd imagined it all. I have a few reminders left. A blue dress that I know I'll never wear again but can't part with. A pair of earrings from Esme's collection that I try on when I'm feeling particularly nostalgic. A scar on my hand that only I know is there. Nothing from you though.

I used to wish that I had some small piece of you to keep close to me, a bit of flotsam to help me cling to that sinking ship. I'm glad now that I didn't. I would have never let you go, and I needed to more than anything.

Perhaps you've been keeping tabs on me through Alice. I want you to know how very happy I am, more so than I deserve, I've often thought. I've been incredibly lucky. Before, when you first left and for a long while after, I was a mess. If I hadn't had my friends to help keep me afloat, I would have surely drowned.

This isn't what I wanted to write you about, though. That time is over and has been for a long time, thank goodness. I mostly wanted to say thank you. I never got the chance to before. You did something that I could never do, and I'm so grateful to you for being courageous enough to walk away. If you had stayed, we would have doomed ourselves to misery and pain.

As much as we talked about being masochistic, I'm glad that we didn't really mean it. We had reached our crossroads. You were the only one who was willing to see it though. I was so blinded by you that I couldn't recognize it for what it was. I can't imagine how different my life would have been if you hadn't made that final decision, if I even would have had one still…

Perfectly happy endings aren't real, and our story would have been tragic if we had continued it. I've never really wanted to play the part of Juliet. I love the story, but I'm so glad it's not mine.

So thank you for knowing when to say when. I didn't have the experience or faith in my own voice to be able to. Looking back, I can't believe how naïve I was. I've learned since then that good relationships are a partnership between equals, and what we had was certainly not that, not even close.

You were my god, and I idolized you beyond reason. Because of that, I allowed you to make decisions for the both of us. You decided where we went, what we did, who we could do it with. It was insane. I was so afraid that you would finally see how fallible I was compared to you that I allowed it. I know better now.

When we were together, I was young and stupid, and you thought you were older and wiser. You may have been around longer, but I'm positive that we were both equally inexperienced. Neither of us knew what we were doing then, and it's so painfully obvious now. We were both the lost lambs, but we were never equals, Edward, never.

We were no good together. It was like we were addicts. That's not healthy. It took me this long to recognize it for what it was, an unhealthy and more than slightly scary symbiotic relationship. We fed off of each other in the worst way. For a while, I felt completely lost without you. I wasn't lost though; I was free.

I'm with someone now who loves me, faults and all. I'm not afraid to show him who I really am or what I truly want. It's just how it is supposed to be, with respect and trust. We work together so well; it's almost as if we can read each other's minds. I remember you saying how much you wished you knew what I was thinking. Jake knows, he's always known. We don't have to struggle to understand each other, we just do.

Wherever you are, I want you to be as content as I am. Maybe you've met someone who you can share your life with? I truly hope so. You deserve it. Be happy.

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Bella

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AN: Thank you everyone for all of your kind words and votes last week! I didn't win anything, but I really appreciate your support and fabulousity.

One chapter and an epilogue left!


	26. Chapter 25: Happy Home

AN: Dankon al vi to Project Team Beta and my three musketeers: LoveofEscapism, Lulu M, and nowforruin. There aren't enough words to express my gratitude, ladies.

I must apologize for the long wait. This was a hard chapter to write and I'm sad to be letting go.

Blah, blah, blah… Lyrics are SManson and Co's, original characters are SMeyer's, all your base belong to us.

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**Chapter 25: Happy Home**

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_In my happy home, I read the signs  
In my lover's arms, I move in time  
There's no more crying and there's no more lies  
I never once in my sweet short life was waiting for desire_

_and there's no more crying  
and there's no more pain_

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APPLE BOOKS PAGES #49, Fall 2016

We are pleased to announce our new releases for this quarter:

The Couch Potato Triumphs - Susan Nodin

Can a confirmed anti-socialite, Tess, find happiness outside of her apartment? After delving into the world of fan fiction, our heroine meets a whole new society of social misfits. Nodin humorously writes about life off of the couch.

_How to Be_ - Karl Rabnes

A bittersweet memoir from the author of _Mismatched Socks and Crooked Ties_, chronicling his exodus from home as a recent college grad, only to find his way back again after unexpected tragedy strikes. Moving out of one's parents' home is a celebration, but what happens when you need to move back in?

_Adventures with the Chiefs and Other Stories_ - Isabella Swan

This is the first full-length novel from the award-winning short story author. Following two best friends from childhood and through adulthood, _Adventures_ tells the story of deep brotherhood between two men, and how they form their own family when their lives don't go according to plan.

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CLALLAM COUNTY COURRIER, March 23, 2020

Native Son and Daughter Return Home and Open New Business

After ten years of living in New York City, Jacob Black and Bella Swan have come back to Forks.

"It was time," says Mr. Black. "We wanted our daughter, Sarah, to know her family, and that was pretty hard to do when we lived 3,000 miles away." He jokes, "And I needed to see more trees."

When they arrived last month, they noticed that Forks was missing an auto shop. Dowling's closed four years ago, when Arthur Dowling retired. Since then, the closest car mechanic has been located in Port Angeles, which is great for the people of the Port, but less convenient for their neighbors.

Black's Garage quietly had its grand opening last week, and business has been brisk ever since.

Ms. Swan says, "We're so glad to be back. Thank you to the people of Forks for embracing us and our new garage. I'm really looking forward to being a part of the community again."

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WASHINGTON STATE BLUES NEWS, August 2035

Passings

Charles Swan, 73

The former Chief of Police of Forks died on July 10th. Services followed shortly thereafter. He is survived by his wife, Sue, his children, Bella, Leah, and Seth, and his grandchildren, Harrison, Jude, and Sarah.

Swan served his community with dignity his entire life. He began his career at the Washington State Police Academy fresh out of high school and worked his way up the ranks of Forks Law enforcement, until he became the youngest-ever Police Chief in Washington State at the age of 34.

He was Chief for thirty years before stepping down. He often joked about his family's dynasty at the force. Soon after his retirement, his step-daughter, Leah, was elected as the town's new Chief.

Former colleague, George Potter, said of Swan, "He was the best Chief I have ever known. Charlie was not a man of many words, but when he spoke, you knew that you should listen."

Rest in peace, Chief.

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THE QUILEUTE RAVEN, January 2042

A New Year, a New Chief

Jacob Black was sworn in as Chief at the beginning of this month. In his acceptance speech, he pledged to carry on our traditional values of respect, dignity and stewardship. "I won't make you a lot of promises. I will say this; I won't let my people down. I will continue to follow in the footsteps of our esteemed elders, and I am honored to be chosen to carry on the tradition of my forefathers. I wish my father could have been here today. I think he'd be pleased."

There was some controversy after the announcement of Black's victory. Some members are upset that he is not married to the mother of his child, and that she is not of the Tribe. His response to them was simple, "I'm not going to apologize for loving someone, nor am I going to share our personal lives with the public. I hope my detractors will be able to overlook our differences, so we can work together for the good of our people."

"He's going to be a great Chief," says Leah Clearwater. "Jake was born to be a leader; it's in his blood."

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CLALLAM COUNTY COURRIER, November 22, 2061

JACOB BLACK, 72

b. February 21, 1989 – d. November 18, 2061

Our father, brother, uncle, elder, grandfather who left us too soon. Travel well.

Black is survived by his beloved, Bella, their daughter Sarah (Joseph), and his granddaughter Charlotte.

Black grew up in La Push, the last son in a long line of Quileute elders. He left Washington State for New York, only to return home to open a successful auto shop in Forks.

He was known for his intense relationship and familiarity with nature. An excellent forager, he often went out into the world without even a blanket and would come back, days later, brimming with stories about what he found during his "visit," as he liked to call his extreme camping trips.

As the leader of the Quileute people, Black was a constant source of strength, knowledge and wisdom for his community. Using his business acumen, he was instrumental in creating a tourism industry for the small reservation, making it possible for the tribe to survive financially without having to sell any of their natural resources, like many other groups have.

"If it weren't for his vision and hard work, I don't know if our home would still be here," says Quil Ateara. "He provided our people with a better future."

Private services will be held at La Push.

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CLALLAM COUNTY COURRIER June 23, 2068

Isabella Swan, 80

b. September 19, 1987, d. June 20, 2068

Writer, lover, mother, friend.

Swan is survived by her daughter, Sarah (Joseph) and her granddaughter, Charlotte.

The popular author of a series of books about life in rural Washington, she rose the profile of the northwestern part of the state and increased tourism to the area. Many say her novels are the reason why Forks still exists and didn't disappear like so many other small towns across the country have.

Swan was an advocate for literacy, especially that of young people. She credited her love of books at a young age as being her life-line during difficult times in her life. The author made herself easily accessible to her readership and was known for replying to her fans via hand-written letter.

"She was an incredible asset to our community. The power of her words will live on longer than any of us ever can," says Andrew Newton, mayor of Forks. "She will be missed."

A memorial service will be held at First Beach on the 25th. In lieu of flowers, please send donations to your favorite charity.

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CLALLAM COUNTY COURRIER June 26, 2068

Forks Public Library Receives Large Donation

An extremely generous and anonymous donation was made to the library this week.

"We never have to worry about funds ever again," says librarian Beth Cheney. "I was afraid that we would have to close soon due to recent budget cuts. Now, I can build our collection and offer programming to the community. It's amazing."

The donor insisted on some caveats. The source must remain anonymous, and the dollar amount not be released to the public. There was one final instruction, the library be re-named.

Next time you want to borrow a book, of which there will be plenty soon, you'll be visiting the Isabella M. Swan Memorial Library.

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CLALLAM COUNTY POLICE REPORT June 27, 2068

Forks Department was called out to a house fire last night. The old mansion at the end of Calawah Way was set ablaze. Hikers saw it from across the creek and reported it, but it was too late to save the structure. No one had lived there for decades, and it had been assumed to be abandoned. Foul play has not yet been ruled out. If you have any information, please contact the Forks Police Department.

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AN: Just the epilogue left now, sweet peas. See you soon?


	27. Epilogue: Sleep

AN: This is it, sweetie pies, the end. Massive note at bottom.

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**Epilogue: Sleep**

in the middle of the night  
head on my pillow  
looking like a little ghost  
seems like all of the things  
that you gave me mother  
have all gone up in smoke

in the middle of the night  
you don't know what I'm thinking  
but still the stars do sparkle and shine  
seems like all of the time  
our boat was slowly sinking  
you didn't even seem to mind

now all I want to do is sleep  
now all I want to do is sleep  
now all I want to do is sleep

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**.**

Bella,

I kept my promise. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, harder than abstaining from your inherent sweetness when every instinct begged me not to, harder than telling you "no" when all I ever wanted was to say "yes", and harder than leaving you in the forest, alone and broken. At times, I wished that I wasn't that strong, that I could justify returning to you, even decades later, whether I would be welcome or not.

It's over now though, all of it. You have no idea how many times I wanted to step in, just for a quick glimpse of your heart-shaped face, but I knew it would have been impossible to ever recover from that. So, I stayed away because I was afraid, afraid of what would happen if I didn't, afraid of finally losing control, afraid of what that would mean for either of us.

I stayed away from everyone else, too. I couldn't stand to see them so perfectly happy when I lost everything I thought that I would never find—nor could I risk seeing you through Alice's eyes, having you burned into my memories was excruciating enough.

Being away from my family was almost as agonizing as being separated from you. I wanted to be with them, but I couldn't, not after everything that had happened. Constantly seeing how they thought I made my biggest mistake yet was as bad as the memories I had of abandoning you. The pity they had for me was why I had to leave. I couldn't watch myself through their eyes any longer.

I know that I am going to be causing them even more pain soon, but I can't help it. This is my fate. This world means nothing to me without you in it. And now that you are gone, I have served my fleeting purpose.

Your letters told me everything. I found them at the house. I'm glad that you gave me the unintended chance to see inside your head. I cannot apologize enough to you for all the misery I put you through, but it was worth it in the end. You found love. You had a family. You got to live.

It appears as if you've never found my missive to you, thank God for that. Leaving that for you was a huge error on my part. I had no right to do that. It was incredibly selfish of me. If you had found it—I don't want to think on it. I am certain that at one point it would have caused you even more terrible hurt, none of which you deserved, ever. I caused enough of that already. I will regret that for that rest of my limited existence.

I returned to Forks for your memorial. It was probably a bad decision on my part, but I couldn't stay away any longer. I knew that I couldn't attend, but I got as close as I could. It's a small comfort, knowing that I got to say farewell to you, from no matter how far. Your soul is in a better place now, with your love. I never could have offered you that.

You said you didn't want any flowers, but I couldn't help it. You deserve everything I could ever give you, even if you resisted so stubbornly. I put them all out to sea, so they could join you. My last gift to you has been well-received, much better than any other present I tried to give you myself. I thought it would make you happy; that's all I ever wanted—for you to be happy.

Can I say how very proud I am of you? I know that I have no right to be, but I am, nonetheless. I read your books, every last one, so often that I've had to replace them when I cracked their spines and the pages began to fall out. They were another gift from you, a glimpse into your life. Whenever I was particularly lonely, I imagined your voice reading them to me, as I held you in our unconsummated bed.

You have such a beautiful family. I caught a glimpse of them from afar as they were leaving the beach. Your daughter is a perfect blend of you, her father, and herself. I could recognize that shade of hair anywhere, definitely yours. You must have been so proud of her. Charlotte is astoundingly lovely, and so clever, much like her grandmother.

I can't believe that you have—had—a granddaughter, an entire family. You must have loved them all so much. If I hadn't stepped away, they would have never existed, and that would have been its own tragedy, to be certain. I'm glad that you got to have that; it was yet another thing that I would have never been able to give to you.

When I was seventeen, I thought I would die in the burning flames of my transformation. Then, I met you and I thought that I would certainly perish from the heat that you set aflame in me. It seems only fitting that now, many years after my body should have left this world, I will let the flames claim me.

All of it was worth it: the pain, the sacrifice, the debilitating loneliness. Your happiness was the reason for my existence. Ever since I met you, I knew that to be true. Now that your have reached you final resting point, I can too. After sixty-two years of loving you, I am free. This is another vow that I'm going to keep.

Edward

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**AN:** I can't believe that this is finished. It is, truly. Tons and heaps of gratitude to my original cheerleader, Rebecca. I hope you are happy and well, darlink. Mon, I think I might have thrown in the towel long ago if not for you. You are my OTP, bb. H, you are a queen among betas. Thanks for jumping in and keeping me and my comma splices from the general public.

And to my readers, if I haven't scared you all off yet, thank you. I cannot say it enough. Thanks for reading, reviewing, alerting, recommending… I'm going to be taking a bit of a break to recover, but will be back soon-ish with some stories. There is definitely a one-shot coming on 11/01/10, and more after that, methinks.

Love,

Meredith


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